Cathartic journaling of an adoptive mom.
Latest Posts
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Iron sharpens iron
Oh my goodness. For a few months I got a little worried. My eldest daughter would so easily get on my nerves. We would butt heads, and we would disagree too often for my comfort. And every day was the same. We would find something to cause disagreement. The feeling of helplessness or feeling trapped…
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Did she love me?
My daughters haven’t asked quite yet, this question about their bio mom. But all older adoptees have wondered this very thing. Some verbalize the question. Some are hunted by it. I met the other day with an adoptive mom whose daughter is 15 and who is a believer. Around age 8, her daughter asked her…
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What makes me come alive
I am lucky to have had low lows and high highs and the space to discern what I love to do and am good at. Passion doesn’t make us experts, it makes the learning fun and seemingly easy. But hard it is. I am not an expert about adoption, but I can speak from personal…
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humor and perspective
I went in to tidy up the girls room, and saw short black hair on ivy’s bed. I thought in might be Rufus’ and I brushed it off. But as I picked up more stuff, I saw chunks of other type of hair everywhere. And the Disney princesses mixed about the carpet. I thought they…
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Transformation
Returning home from school, ivy declares her expectations or wishes for the rest of the day. Taking a deep breath and letting the conversation unfold slowly is increasingly challenging with two kids. I agree but mention that jackie needs to eat lunch and then do her work before play. Tired after school, with a bucket…
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Adoption, motherhood and leadership
I am not maternal. As a kid even, I didn’t seek comfort, even when it was offered. I relished in it in small doses or got enough of it before I could even remember. I don’t ask myself about the past. Not anymore At least. Instead I’m finding my balance to do well in my…
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Deep silence
For months I felt like I can’t focus, my mind being called in too many directions. It is my first day alone in this house. And I love it. The dryer hums in the background like with a soothing productivity sound. We left the house before sunrise. We first dropped Conrad off at the hospital…
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Surgery
Monday school started. Jackie got fitted for the new scoliosis brace in the afternoon. Conrad met with an urologist surgeon at the same time, to discuss next steps. Tuesday we had a parent teacher conference in the afternoon. In the morning I took care of irs type papers for romania. And this evening we got…
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Blessing from the rabbi
For Conrad, adapted from Psalm 61 Hear our cries, O God,listen to my prayer;from the end of the earth we call to youwhen my heart is faint.Lead Conrad to the rockthat is higher than he is,for you have been his refuge,a strong tower against the enemy.Let Conrad dwell in your tent forever!Let Him take refuge…
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Our journey
After 9 years of remission, this week the doctors discovered two tumors on Conrad’s remaining testicle. He is undergoing tests and we are waiting for results.Ah, the liminal space… Where God moves closer to us. — Pain. Mental. Physical.The catalyst of closeness Bravely carryinga separate shareof burden and worry One silly, one silent, two chatty.A…
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Intense day
I spent the morning with the girls getting blood drawn and seeing a variety of doctors for a routine checkup. Meanwhile Conrad was checking on some recent discomfort. Nine years ago, in 2012 we were entering a whirlwind of emotions when conrad was diagnosed with cancer and rushed into surgery. One testicle was removed. In…
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Funny conversation
Loud and clear on the stairs ivy says: “Ok. Now let’s say I’m having sex.” Silence. I ask her nonchalantly:“What are you having?” “Sex!” She replies with certainty. “Are you sure?” I try to understand what she means. “Well, now I’m just pretending. I’ll have sex when I get married.” “What does it mean to…
