Cathartic journaling of an adoptive mom.
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Predictability
One morning I had decided on having a good day. When I woke up the girls were already playing energetically in the other room legos or cars or dolls. I uttered an honest short prayer: “dear God, help me be patient and kind and joyous today.” I sat on the couch and they clustered to…
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Beginning of 2021
The girls are in the kitchen Ivy wants bread with fish egg spread. She just had dinner. But conrad indulges her. He is tired. He had a long emotional day. And a lasting headache. But he smiled and he served her. I see his profile. And I love him in that moment… just a little…
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Retrospect
“If not me, then who?” This is a strong motivator for me, not despite the inadequacy I feel, but because of it. The mirroring of others’ emotions and the trust that we are all the same, gives me courage to rise above my fear. A fellow adoptive mom asked me about a post adoption support…
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Second mothers
I started a support group online, a bookclub for adoptive mothers, and we’ll meet 7 times and follow the guide available in the book released by Jody Tucker. We met once and it was grand. Encouraging, natural, inspiring. As the year draws to a close, Evelyn is coming into her own and it’s delightful to…
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Gifts
Jackie enjoys gifts. She takes after her dad this way. She delights in every attention and small gifts she receives. Remembers everything she got, the person who gifted her every small thing, and she exudes joy as she recollects the context in which she received every nice thing. She likes to create cards, crafts, she…
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Words of affirmation
Before the first lemudim camp in 2013We were invited to reflect on our gifts.Brian kept my applicationAnd read it back to meon our wedding day in California.In it I articulated without apologyMy joy and gift of encouraging others.That was my introspection at 18. In my mid twenties I was reluctant to admit itBecause it didn’t…
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A weekly online class
If it wasn’t for our weekly Isaiah class… I would have been worse for wear. This year has been disorienting, difficult. We were stripped of all artificial crutches and were faced with our limitations. First things first. I have nothing to prove. And yet, as I say I struggle with self worth, I realize there…
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November 2020 transitions
After a season of depression Joyless days felt suffocating A season of anger followed. A ticking bomb. Everything irritable. Then I confessed my furry. This overwhelming burden. Then I entered into the season of tears Crying out of nothing Cleansing my eyes Cleansing my heart. Relief. Then Joy restored. Joy restored my heart. My courage.…
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This season
…feels like the dark woods. It’s cold. It’s overwhelming. We stumble in the dark. And push through. Day in and day out. Occasionally, our inner compass, gives us a glimpse of hope. But we can’t know for certain. We pursue the North Star, through the dark clouds. And, by faith, we progress. How lovely it…
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Isaiah 62
As I struggle with self worth during the lockdownI read a word of wisdom, an insight regarding adopteesAnd their inherent struggle with self worthBecause as infants, they were given up.I sit silent for a momentAnd feel the future pain of my daughters. This struggle thoughcan find its resolution and healing in Christ,In Christ alone. Reading…
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It’s been a day
We’ve played outside in the cold. We played inside to warm up. Both girls need a nap. I decide to stay in the room, in an armchair between their beds. They do anything else but sleep even when they are too tired, if they are left to their own devices. Jackie has been particularly defiant…
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lavish
I put my most unwelcoming face on. I need a few minutes of silence. I want to focus on finishing one paragraph. No such luck. My kids seem oblivious to my intimidating “stay away” face. And that’s how it should be. Parents don’t have such a shield in the family. That unapproachable stance is only…
