Cathartic journaling of an adoptive mom.
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No joy or simply disconnected
I realized this week that all I felt was exhaustion. There was no joy left in my being a mom. I used to have easy reset strategies, reset of mind, of body, of mindset. Whatever reset I managed, didn’t last anymore. I was feeling pretty hopelessly sad. Then I had an interview with ARFO about…
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Jackie’s curiosity about annoyances
Mom, before you had kids, were you ever annoyed? Did you and dad annoy each other in any way? Of course. Like how? Your daddy has seasonal allergies and during our first year of marriage he would wake me up at night with his sneezing. And how did you get over it? Being annoyed does…
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I tune in
I listen to my home church from California, Peninsula Bible Church Cupertino. And I am inspired to come into the light. My mind clears just as I see my mentors and pastors who lead with passion despite the comfort of their life. And they’ve been doing it since they were my age. Brian came to…
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Where are you?
It’s the question God asks of Adam and Eve before things went south. It’s a rhetorical question. Because God knows everything. What did you do? I asked Jackie what happened. She stared at me, unmovable. I know her stoicism. I didn’t even get upset deep down. Nor disappointed. So I told her the story of…
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Allow for miracles
I like control. I’m a good planner and I reap the benefits. I had to learn to pull back and let others give it a go, take responsibility, distribute the work. I am living on a prayer. And Keep busy. One lesson I learned and practiced as a teenager, when I was so anxious about…
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He quickly responds
Then when you call, the Lord will answer. ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply. Isaiah 58 Half asleep, I hear my daughter call me every night.In her sleep she cries out:“Mommy!”“Yes, ivy? I’m here!” Then… silence. She wakes me up As if to check.She always insists.And I respond. Begrudgingly of late.When will this…
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“My foster mom didn’t sing”
I stop humming. I look at her. I take a deep breath and ask: “would you prefer I stopped singing?” “Yes” she answered slightly embarrassed, quietly. It’s not the first time she tells me to stop singing. Ever since I met her. I blatantly disregarded her request when I used to drive her back to the…
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Widen your tent
Widen your tent to make room for the orphan. We’ve been thinking and praying for a house for a few years. The dream felt extravagant. I am grateful for my small comfortable home. But as we adopted ivy, the possibility of another biological child showing up in the system, made us realize that we would…
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Passport
I picked up the passports for both girls today. It feels powerful and freeing. We can travel. Theoretically. Because the pandemic keeps us put. For now. Still. It was a big day today. A fruitful Friday. But what I want to write about is the interaction I had with Marina, the passport lady. On Tuesday…
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Working the land
At the beginning of this year we bought an orchard. I signed the papers on the last day before the lockdown started. Those two months of cleaning dry shrubbery and tending to the garden were a heavenly gift. I would have paid someone to let me work outside. The money we invested seemed like a…
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We slept in
Then I hear someone doing dishes. The girls woke up before us, had breakfast in silence and cleaned up after themselves. Today they took Rufus out for a morning walk in the fog. They took their sweet time getting dressed and bickering about hurrying or putting on the appropriate warm clothes. As long as they…
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Why parenting is tough
I couldn’t remember the particulars, the first year we had Jackie. We were tired, but had steam. And we traveled a lot, had energy to play and to visit with friends and new places. Mom and dad came and we had adventures together. I thought that was hard. And couldn’t imagine how the second time…
