I listen to my home church from California, Peninsula Bible Church Cupertino. And I am inspired to come into the light. My mind clears just as I see my mentors and pastors who lead with passion despite the comfort of their life. And they’ve been doing it since they were my age. Brian came to Romania in his mid thirties and brought with him hundreds of people over the last three decades. 

Half an hour Ago we were crouched on the floor doing legos with our daughters. Ivy insisted we hoped her build a train. Daddy did most of the work. We the girls found pieces for him and socialized. 

Jackie asked me out of the blue: “mommy, do you like being a mom?” I’ve asked myself this question today. And fell short of joy, a joy I know I could pursue again intentionally. But I honestly answered to her YES. I like being a mom. To which she replied: “I don’t know. I think it’s really hard to be a mom.” How insightful this girl is! The she continued: “You work too hard, feeding us good food a few times a day, you do homework with me, you clean the house.” To that ivy responded: “When I grow up I’m going to be a dad.” Daddy helps a great deal around the house. But I seem to intuitively do what needs to be done out of inertia. 

I am tired. I am tired of being stuck in the same perimeter. Even if we are blessed with a wider perimeter. We have called into the trap of finding joy in the consumerism mentality. A bit of shopping. A bit of vacationing. A bit of restaurant dining. 

I long to go out and away.

It has been a hard, long season I’m sure many if not most people feel. 

We made downpayment of a house. It will be move in ready in the Spring. We’re making the payment in three chunks. We drained our savings and we’ll sell the stock. I pray it will be a good season. Spending money makes me uneasy.

But.

We’ll have a bedroom with a door. The girls we’ll have their own room. And we’ll have an office/ guest bedroom. It’s been seven years in this apartment and I love every crowded inch of it. We have no more room for clothes and shoes and toys and couches and desks. 

Taking a leap of faith into more comfort doesn’t seem intuitive. But I pray this becomes a place of blessing others. As introvert I’m more realist of how many events we can host. But our kids we’ll have room to grow and develop. And I realize we’re playing a long game. Parenting two kids is definitely more demanding. Though I clearly see its benefits. I pray the girls we’ll appreciate the gift of sisterhood. 

I have not much to say. My words fall flat. I long onto God and when I come across as overly confident I fear the pride that comes before the fall. I have nothing but my Father God to boast in. He leads the way and I only follow faithfully. Having our needs met feels so gracious and generous of Him.