I couldn’t remember the particulars, the first year we had Jackie. We were tired, but had steam. And we traveled a lot, had energy to play and to visit with friends and new places. Mom and dad came and we had adventures together. I thought that was hard. And couldn’t imagine how the second time would be harder. 

I feel stuck. The pandemic wore me out. I was emotionally drained before the adoption even began. 

Today we were playing hide and seek. Jackie hid too well. I found her in the closet on top of the linens. But because she didn’t want to give away her spot, though she realized she needed to pee, she peed in the closet. (If the wolf was looking for her, she wouldn’t have given herself away). But she peed a lot, and it leaked in ivy’s drawer and Conrad’s sock drawer, and on my wedding dress. I picked up stuff to clean and i was still in shock of what just happened. 

There were tears. There was laundry done. There was a conversation about shame or embarrassment and lack there of. 

What the heck! My intelligent, funny, brave, cool, beautiful eldest daughter just peed in the closet during hide and seek because she didn’t want to give away her perfect spot. She cried in my arms and I cried with her. She said she thinks she’s not a good daughter for us. She said we could give her away. I reassured her of our love no matter what. And she seemed to hear me. But how heartbreaking her thought process was! 

Parenting is frustrating and heart wrenching and exhausting, weird and mundane.