Author: Violeta
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Adoption is disruptive
The most common question I get when I’m interviewed about adoption is: “what would you tell families who are considering adoption?” I want to be encouraging and at the same time realistic. Helpful and down to earth. But adoption is such a personal experience. No two adoptions are the same. No two kids are the…
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My parents’ birthdays
They are born one year minus one day apart. In August. As a kid I got them house gifts. I remember I bought them a clock that they had on their hallway wall until they moved from that apartment. But they were not big on celebrating their own birthdays. Maybe that’s why I don’t care…
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I was wrong
The moment I start to focus too much on my own feelings, the ground starts to shift. I loose my footing and perspective. I finished listening to a book these days. It was dense. And for the first time I find listening to a book overstimulating. I think I enjoy the silence of reading more.…
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Seasonal friendships
A few weeks ago insecurity hit me like a boulder, out of nowhere. It passed. But the more attention I got, the more I questioned it deep down, or I felt this tension to be up to par with people’s expectations of me. It’s not really pleasant, being popular. Somehow you feel like you owe…
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Transition from the adoption honeymoon phase
Tantrum – When a kid wants something you can’t give him. Like them wanting to go back. To the foster family. Almost every night, they cry. And they will smell your insecurity the way a shark smells blood. Do you give in? That’s crazy! You can’t take the kid back at 10 pm or the…
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My passion
I love public speaking. I see it as a form of art that pulls people in and inspires them. It can move them to the core, but only when something valuable is shared. I am reluctant to speak if I have nothing to say. And more often than not, my mind draws a blank. I…
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The challenges of trauma
Kids who have experienced trauma can express their deeply buried pain in a variety of ways. Self-soothing when they are young. Self-harming when they get older. My daughter used to gently pat her forehead to the pillow. In her sleep. Or in a semi-asleep state. Or when she couldn’t fall asleep. Or when she was…
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There was a snow competition
Two people had to shovel snow in a straight line across a large white field. The one who shoveled the straightest path won. Of course, it was not easy. Gaging the direction based on your instinct will still stray you a bit to the right a bit to the left. At the end of a…
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Balance
Why do kids push the fun into dis-regulation. We all get carried away. The morning (evening) was going so well. We were all in a good mood, j was doing her stretches, Rufus was being goofy, Ivy was reading a dinosaur book… and we went from happy silly to intense goofing, loud and touchy. Every…
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Regulate – Relate – Reason
I heard a scientist who studied trauma talking about the most effective way to connect with our kids, especially for educators who unknowingly deal with kids who suffered trauma. Before we jump to reason with them (the way we do with healthy adults) we need to help kids regulate (breath, feel calm, feel safe –…
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Be unoffendable
Leaving a church is messy. You may not leave behind the people, the people you still very much love. But your departure may seem like an abandonment, even though for you it was an escape. A spiritual and emotional freedom. I inherited from my mom a dose of healthy humility that safeguarded me from taking…
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Tending to our marriage
The summer vacation began with anticipation. Mom and dad were coming to visit. After a spring full of conferences and speaking engagements, music school, driving everyone with a busy schedule, wrapping up home projects, and planning our summer events, it felt like we never took a break to breath. Conrad gets pretty bad headaches most…