Walking up the hill, my eldest is trying to convince me to let her have a sleep over at my parents. They are very lax with rules. This is the mai reason why she loves it there. She feels loved through the freedom she gets. At times we reset our expectations and give her what she wants while it is safe. We try to say yes, but I must say it’s so tempting to say no, because we have a different plan. Not wrong, just different.

I realize my daughter also pushes my buttons with questions because she loves to connect this way, but sometimes the questions are repetitive, tedious, and my brain is just tired.

my hear aches as I realize that my daughter longs for connection and I don’t respond as warmly as I should. If a child needs nurture and we give structure (my biggest pitfall) it is just as bad as when they need structure but we give them nurture. There must be a balance. No parent is perfect here. We all have our tendencies and love language and gifts.

so here I stand, on the eve of preteen days, realizing i need to pray more, talk less, assume positive intent, be attuned to her needs and give more nurture and lower my expectations.

when I was young, and my mom raised us intuitively and we weren’t the front row kids, my god mother who never had kids, whenever they had disagreements she would say to my mom that she doesn’t deserve us. It always sat wrong with me. It actually worried me that she thought she would be a better mom for me. My mom had her shortcomings but I always believed she was the right mom to raise me, and that god doesn’t make mistakes regarding who he has us born to. That being said, I know my daughters have a different experience. I am their third mom. The bio and the foster mom were there first, I refuse to enter a competition with them. We each have our place in the story but when my daughters say out loud that if I am no more they will go to this neighbor or this friend and be their daughter, somehow that hurts. At least they wait for me to be no more.