Today was another big day in our #adoptionjourney – I had the second meeting with the psychologist which lasted 2.5 hours. Today we evaluated my marriage relationship, decision to adopt, my childhood, my current extended relationships, daily activities, dealing with conflict, routines, meals and exercise etc. The role of the state in the adoption process is to evaluate and to support the adoptive parents. Before starting this journey I thought this is pretty invasive, nosy, but then I thought I have nothing to hide so I am now enjoying the ride. I genuinely like the staff employed by the state in our adoption process.

The other day Conrad and I we discussing an odd difference between our community in Romania vs. California. People have pain and trials everywhere, but Conrad thinks here they are more raw. I’m not sure about that. I just think people can’t deal with conflict. They avoid it at all costs, and when it catches up with them they overreact, become defensive, are in denial.

I like to tackle issues when they are small. And I thrived in the Californian culture for that. I honestly thought we can make a difference in Romania with our attitude towards conflict, that we embrace it, see it as a resource to grow, not be afraid to admit mistakes and seek understanding to learn from it.

Buuuut, it takes two to have a healthy conflict resolution. I disagree with a few things going on right now. The reality is that it’s not my right or responsibility to try to fix everyone. But at this point I feel stuffed up. I truly hate passive aggressive behavior. And with stubborn-blind people, pushy people, needy-demanding people, wrong people, I don’t have the energy or the motivation to help them all when they don’t want or think they need to be helped.

I am talking about family, church, neighborhood, close friends or acquaintances, and even business relationships.

My mom was always a speaker of truth, she would tackle conflicts and courageously speak up for the defenseless. Her eloquence and courage has always inspired me, though at times I wished others would take turns and feel the heat at the tip of the arrow. We made enemies because my mom would not coverup shit but would expose it to clean it.

I have learned in my adolescence to not be impulsive in speech and action. It has served me well. At times though I wish I spoke up instinctively, in order to bring awareness, to enable justice, to defend a friend, to be witty with a purpose.

I now wait for emotions to bubble up. To push me over the edge. Today I don’t feel upset. Maybe a mild disappointment. Though even the fact that this disappointment is mild has me worried that I got too used to the status quo. The following attitudes: “Meh, we don’t commit to things. Meh, it’s ok to be late to most appointments. I’ll pretend to be ok because I don’t want to deal with the uncomfortable reality. I’ll be bossy, or needy, or pushy … because people are too soft to push back.”

People! Having a backbone is essential to building a healthy society!

If you have the ability to read this message it means you were lucky enough get an education and you own a piece of technology that calls you privileged. You might feel entitled to your good life, but with great power comes great responsibility.

Reading the adoption book has inevitably made me work through some of my emotions or past. “Adopted children need to be given the freedom to express “obnoxious” feelings, like anger, hate, rage, loneliness, hostility. However, they also need to learn that while unpleasant feelings are permissible, obnoxious behavior is not.” Sherrie Eldridge

I haven’t been scarred by stuffing up actual emotions, for my parents helped me talk through my childhood emotional development – and they never got impatient with me, as far as I recall. Still, I feel rather guilty today for feeling disappointed or annoyed. Maybe is the frustration of not dealing directly with the issues at hand.
We try too hard as a culture to mild down our emotions. I am not talking about the behavior which is in great need to be controlled in a healthy manner, but I am talking about acknowledging the emotions, and working through them. An ounce of humility and self-awareness would do wanders everywhere in the world.

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Have you ever put a lot of thought, heart and creativity into a message, and some of your audience completely misunderstands you?
It happens to me more often in my native language than it has ever happened in 7 years of speaking poetic, persuasive or technical english at Apple, at church, in my volunteer work, in my extended family frown emoticon
Let’s not wish for words that only tickle our ears.
Let us put aside our narrow or stubborn views and actually listen from time to time.