“Mom, when I get in bed, my mind starts to worry about all kinds of things. And I can’t stop my mind. I fear you will die. Who will take care of me? I worry I won’t be able to read. I can’t get away from these thoughts. Can you teach me how to pray?”

In the past I would go in and pray with her. Our conversations before bedtime put her at ease. But this time, as I was completely wiped, mentally exhausted, I realized I didn’t have available bandwidth for her emotional load. 

Ivy is wise beyond her years. At 7 years old is well attuned, self regulates most often, and communicates her needs, albeit in a very soft voice. So this time I taught her to pray with gratitude, as she already asked God to take away her fear and persevering thoughts but it didn’t seem to work, she said. 

We are visual people and I remembered the pink elephant analogy. If I told you NOT to think about the pink elephant, what do you think about?

“The pink elephant” ivy responds with a smile. 

“That’s right!” I answer. You can’t focus on the fear, even if to pray about it, and hope that God takes it away. The secret is to fill your mind with something else. Something more powerful. Love casts away fear. Share your gratitude to God for the things in your life that you love. And I started praying, listing all the things. Somehow, even in that tired state this prayer came out with passion and belief.

So the way to escape fear is to fill our mind and heart with gratitude. 

She left my bedroom smiling saying goodnight with confidence.

Later Conrad was telling me how he feels that the girls are manipulating me to stay longer and talk with them at bed time. I often enjoy my time with them. Occasionally our evening debates feel like a hostage situation. Because there is always one more question. 

But… as I thought about our many conversation I strongly believe that on my death-bed I will not regret the hours I spent at bedtime with the girls. They were an offering and a sacrifice at times. Other times I absolutely loved every minute. But all in all these hours we spend together talking late in the evening will probably be my most treasured memory and precious investment.