We go through all kinds of topics, and turn right back and go deeper still on some. When we exhaust an idea we move on and don’t look back.
Talking with the girls is fun and exhausting and my favorite thing to these days.
One thing my parents did was give me general guidelines for safety and expectations. And I had a lot of room to roam, to fin my stride, to find myself. I had agency. I talked before about what my parents’ parenting and it was probably intuitive and the wisest approach in a time of little explicit literature.
I give a lot of freedom and course-correct as I go as well. I have my principles, for safety, values building, character building… but I don’t sweat the little things. It would drive me crazy.
I let them make mistakes and learn from trial and error, especially in self-sufficiency around the house. I step in when I see it’s working. But then I back off just as easily. I do express my disappointment and I do share generously my belief in their capability. And faith is a mysterious thing in work unseen and unproven yet. It’s powerful when someone believe you can do something even before you believe in yourself or you have proven you can do. But an adult, a parent can extrapolate from other things they have seen, they have witnessed and draw faith from there.
But one thing I steer clear from is fear. I think I have the tendency to fear things, and I confront my vulnerability, I face it and I challenge it with facts. It’s not a done deal. Fear creeps in through different cracks of unawareness, living in the future, and for me specifically the lack of control I feel. The kids are growing and exploring and feeling and expanding their area of interest and capabilities, and if I don’t get a grip on my tendency to fear the outcome or my expanding or shrinking area of responsibility, I could get in trouble.
Fear can be a friend. An alarm bell. The brain informing me of things I need to become aware of. So not completely silencing fear but getting curious about it… that’s my beam to balance on.
The other day a friend called to ask about impending difficult conversation about the family of origin. Entering the teen year our kids become curious about their alternative family. It’s not like they have options. Sometimes families are annoying and uncomfortable and difficult and we are stuck with them. No matter what. I urged my kids to open their eyes and look at all the possibilities. They’ve daydreamed when they were younger how it would be to be raised by other parents and I indulged them in their fantasy and imagination. I listened to them and engaged playfully. Aunts and uncles, grandparents, close family friends, neighbors. They even ad dreams about how their lives would look if they were raised by my brother’s family or our duplex neighbors.
And I chose to not be afraid.
Kids talk and air out their ideas. And we are strong enough to hear them out. And be honest too. If their words sting, either take not a change something or share why your family does things a certain way. Help them understand.
There are pros and cons in every family. I will not discuss here all the hilarious conclusions. Maybe another time. But as the months and years have passed, they laugh at their misguided understanding of what an alternative family would mean.
Now, the topic of their family of origin. That is not even an option to explore. I answer every question. I don’t idealize their past. Evidently a lot of people evaluated and decided that we are their best option to raise them and when they become adults they can find out more about them, but making contact os not legally allowed now because of the disruption it would cause. Our kids need stability and safety. They don’t need a bomb to explode in their lives. As they mature their brain is able to process events and facts with more clarity and detachment. Up until then my job is to help them grow strong and clear headed, with boundaries and dreams and assurance.
I’m not even apologetic about it. Knowing who we are, our role in their lives, our worth in our own story… this gives them freedom to be and to become.