Today we spent two hours with the psychologist. The last meeting with her. She observed half way through that I am a perfectionist. I disagreed with her. But as the conversation progressed I realized that what she meant was that I am a doer (Apple called it “Responsibility”). I get involved and I have to do everything right. To the point of exhaustion.

We talked with her about how it was as a child… If I were to go back in time and talk about my childhood from that point of view, what would I say. About my mother and my father. They were wonderful parents and I had a happy childhood, but one of the things I said was that my mom was very tired. She worked hard in her job as a chemist at the hydro power plant, and then at home.

Somewhere along the way I became protective of my parents. That transpired though my independence and determination to work hard. But the reality is that I tried my best to not be burdensome. When I had a tooth ache at night, I silently cried of pain for hours, until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told mama silently that I hurt and I am sorry to wake her up because I know she had to go to work in the morning. When my dad woke us up to go to school at 6 AM, I was often up and readily dressed, since I was in 1st – 2nd grade, so he wouldn’t have to struggle to wake me up and get me ready. These are just two examples…

I started to cry in the psychologist’s office. I realized I will have the tendency to “have to” do everything well and that it will come back to bite me. These parents exist, who think nobody can care for their child as well as they do. And they never let go.

All of a sudden I was emotional like I haven’t been in months. I think I also mourned my childhood. I became sad for the worries I carried as a child, with frugality, with hard work, with talking very little, rarely crying, never rebelling, trying to be as much as possible an easy child. And I succeeded. I overachieved it even.

Prior to that I shared with her about the troubles of my friends. She said to leave it be as it is not my responsibility. She said that a few times in different ways. It is not my responsibility. Most likely they don’t want to be helped the way I might think they need help. Mainly because I am not equipped for it. That no matter how things will turn out, I judge and approach things from my personal experience and that is not helpful to others. That I can not remain neutral, and will come out of it more hurt and bruised than the two people directly involved. The truth is that I did everything I could with what I had when things could be done. Now I need to pull back. I am not the Holly Spirit in anyone’s life. The fact that I am still talking about it, and everyone around me talks to me about it, comes to say how much it still burdens me.