“Do not consider yourself wise. Fear the lord and stay away from evil paths.”
That was week 2 for my week in the Proverbs with Brian & Michelle. I admire the humility with which this wide group of accomplished people present themselves. They are quick to acknowledge their shortcomings and where they feel they came short as parents.
I’m in the thick of it as a parent and I can sleep well at night because of the wise words I received early on: I need to strive to be good enough. Not perfect. And in that lowered bar, I seek grace for myself as well as my children.
I scolded my youngest for putting on the newest freshly washed pants when she got home from school and then was rolling on the back porch on them, while peeling green walnuts. And sure enough got them dirty.
I asked her why did she change into brand new clothes just before peeling green walnuts knowing they stain. She blinked twice at me and said “because I wanted to”. Though I think this was the most honest answer, it annoyed me. I let her know I was annoyed at her cluelessness. She went and changed and washed her hands (which are still green two days latter).
I had a moment to clear my mind and remeber that those are just pants and the lessons or the memories are what remains. (including the walnut stains.)
When we reconnected at dinner I told her I feel that I overreacted (she is so gracious and quick to offer forgiveness) but I wanted her to also understand what exactly annoyed me. I felt she disrespected my work (having just washed the pants) and this green may never come off, and since those were the most recent purchase, it was also disrespectful to our finances.
Anyway, water under te bridge. Kids do offer many opportunities to repair through the ample occasions of pushing buttons.
Yesterday and today two friends texted me pictures of their expanding families – having just adopted little ones whilst having biological children. They thanked me for my support and inspiration over the years. What a sweet thing to hear. I often wonder what is my purpose and do I have any impact on the world. Other than raising my two daughters and helping my husband grow into his potential.
What will my eulogy be? My resume was put on the back burner a decade ago. I don’t work toward bettering my pay or my title or my financial stability. I actual live life and when I am content and happy in a continuous way, I worry that I become complacent or I start to love this life too much and I lose sight of eternity. I know there is a perfect balance of living in there present and living for God, because I’ve been in it for quite a lifetime. And yet, just like waking on a high beam, in perfect equilibrium, I remeber what I am doing and I worry that I’m not doing it right. It’s a bizare paradox. And it helps one embrace humility and stay steady.
I am thrilled for my friends who adopted. And this joy in itself is a victory because for a few years I have been quite cynical in my heart about parenting and family life. It felt like an altar where I kept sacrificing my self with no relief in sight. Not much changed except my perspective and attitude.
We all have an impact. Our children are hungry for truth and connection and knowledge and they grow in wisdom and stature. Every chance I get I nudge them to be a light for others as well. None of us can make it alone. We are going to thrive in community. Let’s be thoughtful and generous with the community at large as well.