How I spent my Tuesday night


After a great day. Cooperating. Playful. Long good nap. Good games, learning, walking, visiting friends, friends over visiting, I went for an hour of swimming… at night, she asked to go back to the foster family. I had all the time in the world. And patience. I held her. She sobbed. I felt powerless. I can’t give her what she wants. She misses the familiarity of her foster family as tonight she wore different pajamas. The weirdest triggers. She sobbed some more. I told her this is her home now. Not the foster family. I asked her if she would miss us if she went back. If she would miss Rufus. She said “noooo?” but then she fell silent. She thought about it. Then quickly switched to goofing around with Rufus. She copes with her new life in different ways at different times.

But there is more to the story.

There is a lot more noise, words, questions, engaged attention, answers, reassurance. Recently she started to ask me to tell daddy this or that, though he is sitting next to me. I tell her kindly to tell him herself. And asks more and more “what is daddy saying?” I resent being a full time translator. It exhausts me more than I can express, especially when it comes to being an intermediary between a parallel solid relationship between a father and a daughter.

So I was spent. Last night I was discouraged and after I put her to bed I cried of exhaustion. And as hot tears streamed on my cheeks I realized I held it all in to stay strong throughout the day.

Strength. I remember how safe I felt with my dad, or my mom, or even my brother. I felt like they know what to do, how to do it. They have protection and leadership in their blood. To a degree, this “feeling safe” vibe I ooze it too. Besides the fact that we communicate and I fulfill her immediate needs, she feels safe with me, and seeks my presence at all times.

I’m sure it will be frustrating for a while, for daddy and J. to communicate smoothly. She learns a lot. Conrad is learning a lot, but communicating effectively and with ease is a challenge. I may have to step back and bite my tongue at times, to let them figure it out.

Tonight I went out with the girls and daddy put Jaclyn to bed for the first time. I’m so proud! They did just fine. And daddy is so willing and able! I don’t know why I waited this long to give him the stage.