My 11 year old daughter asked two girls she didn’t know, who were waiting in front of the bathroom at the conference, if the bathrooms were all occupied. They answered with “this is the girls bathroom”. My daughter only responded with “I know”.
She wanted to cut her hair short to be cool, different, and because I have short hair and it looks nice. We waited a year. I told her that while it’s easy maintenance, it comes with inconvenient comments about gender. It has happened to me occasionally. That’s why I wear dangling earrings. She was determined. So we did it. Hair grows.
The 11 year old body covered with sporty clothes looks the same for boys and girls.
She has been asked more times than she can remember if she is a boy. One day she cried after getting this questions at school during recess way too many times.
But we talked it through.
With long hair she looks very mature and beautiful. Deep piercing blue eyes. And she has indeed pretty features. Yet, I don’t think it will serve her any good to take beauty as her prime identity. Strong, intelligent, creative, kind, hardworking are qualities that don’t fade. Beauty fades.
As a teen I had a sulky resting face. I was not beautiful by most standards. Lanky and competitive in school.
I knew I was not beautiful, nobody treaded me as such, nobody told me differently, so I decided to be smart.
Beauty is a tricky and dangerous identity to pursue. It invites unwanted attention and people around act as if you owe them your looks.
As a young woman I have been told by well meaning friends, “you have a gorgeous body. You should show it more”. It made me very uncomfortable. Though at first it sounds like a compliment. It isn’t. It’s an invitation to let people ogle you. And as a teen i made a decision to show love and respect to my brothers and not show my body in a sensual way.
People have asked me: “is she questioning her identity?” Frankly, I am confused by this question. She is not questioning her identity. She is a happy girl enjoying sports music, Lego, cars, dresses, makeup (though she doesn’t wear it), and it happens that she wanted to try a short haircut. Most of her clothes are not pink, but blue (to match her eyes) green, gray, black, and that’s fine.
I’m not too burdened by this current challenge. I find it to be a great conversation starting point with her. We talk about the world at large and the sexual identity and confusion and hurt. But at 11 she is not romantically inclined, though she liked a few boys here and there. Or boys flirted with her. She has a grand old time with her girlfriends and definitely more in common with them than boys. But isn’t that the way it has always been?
Parents, stop asking your kids about romantic interest. It makes them uncomfortable and worried if they are not interested in anybody. They are not supposed to. We sexualize our kids with what we feed their mind with, and the social media exposure.
Kids are supposed to still dream, play, rest, learn about the world through science and literature and be kids.