I had to remember to be present, and postpone the wallowing in frustration.
Oh, to be able to stop the train of negative thoughts, what a powerful feeling. Having tried this in a season of extreme exhaustion or emotional overstimulation, the feeling of powerlessness added to the frustration.
Enough with the theory.
Every week I had to go through a reset. Of my own heart. Confront my own selfishness, limits, and then accept and respect my own boundaries, I could reach a sense of equilibrium a lot faster. The way I got into a burnout was that in a prolonged manner I kept stepping over my own boundaries, dying to self, denying my own need for rest and reset.
Two weeks ago, as we started driving to Serbia with my in-laws and without the kids, my heart was still pumping from the adrenaline of planning and getting everything ready. I packed some sandwiches for the road and left cooked food in the friend for the kids. My parents spent some time with them but otherwise they managed themselves. Could they do it? Were they truly ready? Did they need me? Did I do enough? Without clear answers to all these questions, I resented the fact that we had to leave without them because our car couldn’t accommodate 6 ppl. I resented having to entertain my in-laws at the expense of my kids being left alone.
Looking out the car window, in silence, I decided then and there to accept the present and roll with it. I can’t change it and I will look bak at that moment as a loss of peace for something I couldn’t change. And indeed, that trip was memorable and sweet and a much needed change of pace that made us all appreciate what we had together and at home.
Upon our return we continued to cook and clean and finish registering a new 7 seater car. I took J to the doctor and I went overnight to spend time with old friends, girlfriends we go way back. Making such practical decisions without overthinking it helped me feel empowered and in control of my self.
I have let go of my attempt to be overly accommodating. To be pleasant and friendly and assuring. I mean I am pleasant but there is that extra ounce of pleasantness that women muster to accommodate guests – or at least I do – to put them at ease. And the less I feel comfortable the more I try to make them feel or believe that I’m ok and hospitable with abundance.
So this time I try to rest in my own serious face, quiet demeanor, pensive mood. I read. I cook. I clean. I chat but at the pace and amount I feel like it. Without forcing myself to be who I a not.
It’s revolutionary!!
My heart beats regularly. i feel more at ease in my serious demeanor. And I trust my family enough to be ok around me as I am – even if they may question it a bit at times. I let them think their own thoughts without manipulating anything with over processed kindness.
The girls are at peace. Sharing and observing and living honestly and I think our honest way of living life builds in them more confidence than any fake kindness. Also, as I continue to serve without grubbing, cooking and cleaning, occasionally I see my kids step up and help out without my saying a words. They start to copy what they see. And that is a miracle to some like me whose love language is acts of service and then people show their love without me asking for specific demonstrations.
We had the best chat after the service online we listened to from PBCC. I think my approach and experience with parenting, with how I perceive God, how to live out our faith, I think we encourage mom and in their own walk of faith. I was born with an old soul, and it does not surprise me when people with more experience than me look up to us for the way we live and believe. Because there are plenty ways I look up to them and respect their journey and faith and redemption and honesty.