Back home

Something reset in me in the hospital. I hate the fact that I’m so predictable and dramatic medical events manage to get me out of myself. 

I had to stop being admired in the hospital with my daughter. The law not only allows but encourages parents to be admitted in the hospital and stay with their kids for the duration of their convalescence. I only had to pay for my meals. And I could have declined and had Conrad bring me food if I wanted. 

I couldn’t run errands, I couldn’t clean the house, and I couldn’t really be on my computer. I had no internet except in my phone which was swiftly used during my three day stay at the hospital. 

I probably had more freedom than I knew or taken advantage of. I asked for permission to go buy water and snacks. Old habit. 

My time with Jackie in the hospital was fruitful as I saw her health improve with each day. And she gets into this sweet amiable mode when she’s sick. She appreciates my availability and warmth which are evident because I do feel empathetic towards my sick people. I am usually suspicious of the people who like too much the attention when sick. 

Now school has started. Jackie had a lot of homework to catch up on, especially math. 

But she manages. I’m amazed at how she undertakes challenges and they build her up, in maturity and courage. We are so tempted to aid our kids, to clear the path, to point them in the right direction. But it’s a disservice to them. Our limitations are a blessing in letting our kids develop and mature. 

These days, after managing to clear my mind, to silence the noise, coming back home I am yet again plagued by a sense of uneasiness. Like something is lurking beneath the peaceful surface. The crazy weather around the world, the warmth that is comfortable but unfamiliar for this time. The frost, the hurricanes, the floods in areas we used to live in. 

My sense of loneliness is partly my own doing. I am uneasy when I don’t have trusted visible leaders around. And I have to make decisions, I have to lead, to protect, to offer guidance. I need that too. And maybe a sense of foolish courage, carelessness, innocence have all protected me from this heaviness. But I’ve been an adult for two decades. I’ve had kids for many years, I’ve dealt with sickness, I paid taxes, I bought houses… what gives now? Why do I feel so fearful? 

There are many decisions to be made, trips to take, money to spend or to invest. I don’t put my trust in material things though life has become a lot more comfortable than I had ever hoped. It is ironic if the good in my life makes me so uneasy, anxious. 

As I give it to god, my mind. My heart, my worries and my fortune. My love and my life. It is the only sense of true peace I can taste… by relinquishing my life to God. It’s a way of life. I then Grip it again and lose sight of my purpose, trying to do things my way. To be the one giving, blessing, serving. But even the goodness I envision can be a trap. Overextended, overstretched. Willing in my heart but my body and mind disagree. 

I need to give up one trip because it’s too much. And I fear I’d disappoint my too many friends. This year I understood that verse in the proverbs: he who makes too many friends he makes them for his detriment. Yup. Too many friends. Too much to worry about, expectations, anxiety. I am limited. I am human. I am overly responsible to a fault. 

I am back home, better than I left. But also too easily sucked into the old ways. Forgetting I am not responsible for everyone. Re-learning to listen to my instinct, my heart,