As I sat too long in a heightened sense of caution, of outward and inward stimulation, even getting close to the cliff of worry makes me nervous.
I used to thrive in the intense seasons. I felt pumped, keenly aware, driven, motivated and able to accomplish a lot.
My footing is unsure now. A short burst of anxiety throws me off. I worry that this is going to be a down spiraling experience. Anxiety is now my long lost acquaintance that used to be manageable for me, but now I dread.
Before flying to the States, when we needed to decide on the Covid test day, as rules changed, I started feeling palpitations and I felt like crying, taking short breaths, unable to focus. I hadn’t felt that anxious in months. It was strange to be back in the state of mind, and I worried that my months of peace were gone; that peace is allusive.
But as the issue got solved, I snapped back into calm waters. I do take well advantage of my heightened sense of awareness to take care of business, but I can’t spend too much time there, in the madness. I fear it will crush me.
We have been for a week in Austin. And it has been truly relaxing. My mind at ease.
Two things I couldn’t control happened on the same day. Things I couldn’t quite change or address personally or directly. And I did my best to solve, but they gave me a sense of imminent danger, and a lack of control. We had to rely on family to turn the heat on at the house because the temperature dropped too many degrees below freezing this week. And I paid through internet backing the neighborhood association yearly fee. But I had lived with the belief that a duplex shared the lot fee. And nobody could quite explain where the misunderstanding appeared or why or how the lot got subdivided. I tracked down the document from nearly three years ago where we voted the fees. But because it wasn’t clearly stated, like the apartment lot is, our association fees are now 30 times higher than they were when we lived in the apartment.
I had to make a conscious effort to detach from the stress induced by the problems at home. It’s not easy. The mind is a fickle sensitive thing. I ought to continually train it to stay nimble, calm, focused, at peace.
Most circumstances that we can’t change, at least we can control how we respond to them. Easier said than done. It’s Christmas week. Cookies are made, food is prepared. I am taking 30 minutes away from the family to read and write. A much needed pause to maintain my sanity. It’s been a good time with family. A very good time. Let’s not overdo it and take good care of our selves during this crazy season. Finding the balance between togetherness and recharging time.