Everything is irritating. I started dreading certain moments of the day. 

But tonight I had a persuasive talk with the girls. I told them like this:

Mommy and daddy are the responsible adults who love them and want what’s best for them. We will do everything in our power to keep them safe, loved and nurtured. In return we expect that they listen to us. And listen well. 

We are the boss. We don’t like to be the boss, but we are good bosses. Outside home and in our family. Being the boss means a lot of responsibility. They still fantasize about being adults and being the boss. More power to them. Now we need them obey so they have sane parents throughout their childhood.

They listened with wide eyes. Enthralled. Captivated. Trusting what I say, it seems. 

They agreed to listen. Timely. I think that’s our main issue. Evelyn tears her boundaries and Jackie responds to all our requests with “later”. I wouldn’t have said it so if it was a mere suggestion or could be done later. 

They suck the life out of me. And I want to give it all. But as I reached my overdraft limit, I realize I’m not doing them any service, in this life, in our family, or in the understanding of self care or future life. 

I want to be a happy mom. I remind myself this. This is my goal. Theoretically it should be too hard to achieve. But for me it is. Often. Because I’m so focused on what needs to be done. The serving. The readying. I seem to have more grace and ability to detach after I reached my lowest point. God is good. These kids are amazing. My husband is willing and able. I just need to let go of control and cruise some more. Trust. Enable. Validate. Empower. Let myself be served sometimes. Ask for help. I’m willing to try.