Rockbottom limit.

One evening, I finished the day, crawling to the finish line. I brushed the girls teeth, I had already read them stories. Changed them in pajamas. And I said I’m going to take a bath. I didn’t have it in me to sit around in the dark, rubbing Jackie’s foot in one bed, while stroking ivy’s arm in the other bed… and to wait for them to fall asleep. 

It was late anyway. I heard them whispering through the bathroom door. Eventually the house fell silent. I had soaked up the intense heat of the bath. I relaxed as much as I could. I drank water and was ready to rest. As I came out the lights were on, the girls were giggling, playing with their baby dolls, and conrad was in the living room with headphones on. I came out and asked what’s going on. Conrad was surprised that the house was all lit, and the girls were not in bed. He had checked twice on them. 

He had words with Jackie who blamed ivy for the lights being on. And then I fell apart. I cried silent hit tears for the sheer exhaustion. Every day is a race to take the kids to school, work, clean, cook, inch jackie along with her scoliosis stretches and her homework. Help her pack her backpack, which is so heavy. Prepare lunch and remind her to set the next day clothes aside. Otherwise the morning is wasted in front of the wardrobe. 

The day before we had three what up calls, with the social Worker and each of their former foster families. Jackie dragged her feet with all her responsibilities, and conrad was very busy with conference calls and design work. 

The week is over, after a full weekend when we hosted a very successful conference. But I’m running on steam and I give it my all. To the point of having nothing left. 

I fantasized about going away for the weekend. Mainly to recharge but to also help the family become more aware of what needs to be done on a daily basis. I feel taken for granted and the more I do the more there is to be done. 

Going away during the pandemic is not possible. Taking our only car is not reasonable. But I expressed my limit to conrad and he heard me. It’s not just the physical exhaustion but the mental juggling and emotional balance of an entire household. 

I took a day off. As in: no more nagging about others’ timely work, driving, or Jackie’s stretches. When evening rolled around I didn’t initiate the bedtime routine.