Down the rabbit hole I go…

She said, as a matter of fact, that in two days she goes back to her foster mom.

Why? I ask intruigued.
Because I want to. She responds nonchalantly.

Context is everything. And if I recall correctly, last time she said she wants to go back, we’ve had quite a good day. An abundance of fun, grace, attention, love, you name it!

We are on vacation. Yesterday we spent it at the pool, and ate delicious food cooked by someone else. The girls had adventure and quality time and fun with us.

Today we went to a wedding. They got dressed nicely, we took a long walk, we ate good and exotic food again. We went to the wedding and they shined through and through. They were smiled at and admired. We had delicious restaurant food and fancy drinks. They ordered whatever they wanted. Ivy was sassier and sassier because she didn’t take a nap. Though she stayed in the room after lunch, pretending to nap with her sister. They both blamed each other for the distraction from napping.
Evelyn was obviously more tired as the time went by. It was a hot day after all. But they chatted amongst themselves (the girls) and discussed with the adults all the random Thoughts.
On our walk back the girls had ice-cream. Fancy ice-cream. Delicious.

As we said goodby to the bride and groom, she reach her arms up, made crab sign, and wrapped her arm around my neck. As I was carrying her on my tired legs walking on high-hill, she informed me that she is going back to her foster family. (I wish I could understand her train of thought.)
I asked open ended questions hoping she would reveal more. She said she is going on vacation with them. Her imagination is rich. She said she is going to the restaurant with them. Or to the pool. It seems she is transposing her life, traveling back in time, overlapping it with the present. Testing us.
I told her if she would leave us. I’d miss her. The thought didn’t seem to bother her. Another test “that’s what I want”. But I don’t play the pouty card. Not my game.

I told her then that we can’t separate. We are family now. I am her mom. And she has a sister and a dad. I told her she had a foster mom. Who loves her very well. But she said her foster mom will always be her mom.
Felt like a stab into the heart.

But she doesn’t say it to hurt me.

She is processing a very dramatic change in her life. She kinda had a say in it.
But the adults made choices for her.
And she went along smoothly.

But I’m always wondering what is truly going on in her heart.

This trip far away from home, like the other ones too, seem to shake her stability. She loves adventure but she longs for home. For her room. Her bed & her toys.

I wonder if change Makes her uneasy. Worried. We could blame the tiredness. Her brain was completely exhausted. But that only reveals what lies just beneath the surface. The lack of drama kept everything afloat. Smoothly. And we haven’t fully faced her pain.

She is my sweet Evelyn. And I wish I could help her face her fears and overcome them. But it’s her journey and she will travel it as she feels good and ready.
Meanwhile, I listen well. Quietly. Patiently. Eager to hear her heart. Asking gentle questions. Speaking the truth. Bravely.