Or what happens when your gifts bring you to the brink of burnout.

I am action oriented as I received amazing freedom as a kid. I always anticipated needs and was one step ahead of adults’ expectations because I hated to be told what to do. Even the first time. I never had to be told twice to do something. I was the compliant kid and I learned this weekend that it’s not as great as I imagined it. By God’s grace I didn’t lose myself in pleasing others all my life, but that route could have been mine. For that reason I need to remember to give permission to my comment kid to asses her likes and dislikes and to help her learn to chose or to say no to me. In the same breath I need to appreciate my defiant kid for her ability to know and express her mind, while helping her understand the privileges as well as the expectations of being part of this family.

Two years ago, at the height if the pandemic I had experienced blocked care. I still performed my motherly duties but I had a hard time enjoying my kids. Their needs and wants (totally valid otherwise) felt suffocating and irritating. I’m not naturally a nurturer but I can bring myself into the nurturing mindset, took a lot out of me. To nurture you need warmth and presence and connection. But mustering all these felt like exhausting work. I wanted to focus fully on adult work and take care of business and house acquisition and money processing. But we were all at home full time due to pandemic. And kids needs can’t be put on hold or postponed or ignored. Thank God for my husband and my parents. I had adults to share the responsibility with and avoid causing them trauma by neglect and disconnection.

Now turn the life book two years forward. Life is more active than ever. Great events, great things happen, we are connected to our kids and enjoy parenting more than we did not long ago. The sustained efforts and focused boundaries and warmth are paying off. The kids feel safe and happy with us and we feel like their needs are not greater than what we can offer. But my outside world is in shambles.

I just remembered saying at the beginning of the year that I will say yes to all invitations. I was invited to speak to all kinds of events, from the perspective of an adoptive mom mostly. the women’s day hosted by the Inului women was enriching. I went there because my mom had signed up and needed a ride there and back. Then I spoke at the women’s conference that was the most well organized women’s event I’ve been a part of. With over 20 years of experience and enriching speakers at every session, it felt golden. I went there as a speaker as well. The at MOPS the joy of motherhood – I spoke there too. Then I did interviews at national radio stations, and I spoke in churches. We organized adoption events and I continued to be part of MOPS organizational team. There was ukraine and my multitude of events hosted with Polylogos online and life, REAL, SALT, Aspyre. This year we had to say not to ROM but we had guests in the office most often, here in our home. Coordinating the local ARFO summit was my breaking point. I started resenting the calls with more burning decisions. I couldn’t say no. I didn’t want to say no because I had said yes to helping out. And if I had given up it wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t think I had the freedom or the right to say: “I can’t deal with these aspects, find someone else” because in a way that was my role, to find people. But the people were nowhere to be found. Everyone was supporting other events this season, this month, this weekend. I left saying yes when my whole body and spirit were saying no. And I didn’t know to discern if I am being selfish or it’s too much already. I wanted to cry but I didn’t even have time for that. I think I wanted to scream but I couldn’t even consider this gut feeling. So I kept saying yes. I dissociated and I paid the price. The more I said yes the more I felt my no has no place. And like a drunk crazy person I kept saying yes the more absurd it became. “Pile it on!” It’s so bad what difference does it make one more events in the crazy year I have.

But my body said no. Whispered. Then louder. Picking up the kids to go to prison fellowship event. picking up different people from the airport with my kids in the car, straight from school. At Aspyre we saw the limit but even then, though more so than ever we started saying no to this and that, we ended up there too. Chasing the weekend away with mops felt like the wise decision to separate myself physically from the cluj madness. No more meals to prepare for two days, no more driving, no more kids and their needs. But I arrived a the conference completely completely drained. And for the first time I had social anxiety looking at the schedule. It said they’re “socializing” in the evening the first day. And I couldn’t. I started crying. And I went to bed early finally having space to cry without being interrupted by my kids or by phone calls. I would have driven home if I had my car. I want to be away from all the people. I just couldn’t say anything worthwhile to anyone anymore. As an introvert I give more than I take though social interactions. My conversations have to be meaningful most of the time. With people I love and I know and they know me we can talk about clothes, food vacations and be silly and not feel like the conversation was frivolous. I like comedy and I like to be silly too. But that can not be the driving factor in new friendships.

Conrad had offered to come pick me up there next day. I took the evening off and two friends encouraged and validated my need for rest. They must have felt it too. They may be my closest friends there. Since all others moms looked at me like this is just life and we deal with it. Because moms even when they say they can’t anymore they always can a little more. I have been saying “it’s too much” for a while now. And I really didn’t want to crash and burn. The recovery from a complete reset is difficult. Restating an engine uphill from standstill takes skill and determination and a lot of engine revving.

There isn’t a lot going on in the next few months, except there are still events every weekend. I haven’t had time to read a book or write on my blog in a long time. Today conrad is taking the kids to school. And I am forcing myself to sit and write. And it’s cathartic. I asked conrad if we should cancel hosting Thanksgiving but it was his idea in the first place and he finally shifted to a more social life. He enjoys talking to friends who understand him. After years of loneliness for him, due to lack of diversity, this is a fun new chapter. If he can drive the relationships and I can be his helper, then let him have it. I hope I won’t disintegrate in the process.

boundaries, assertive communication and love, saying clearly “no” or “yes” with conditions of time and space. Cancelling things if I have to. Pulling back some as needed. Because I can’t pull back at all from parenting, that is a constant I have to work around. I hope my burnout is not contagious. If anything it can be an alarm bell for others if they identify similar symptoms. We all have to deal with the consequences of our choices and instead of wondering how other women do it, and trying to catch up with them, to sit in silence and center my soul into this limited body that God gave me, to honor him, to listen to Him. The word I woke up with today says: “we can do nothing without Him. He is the Vine and we abide in him to give forth fruit.”