I noticed how j interacts with the boy she likes. Similar to how she relates to Conrad. She is sarcastic, and bossy and uninterested. I wonder of it’s a subconscious thing.
For the last 3 years we have had many girly talks, and I am afraid I have inspired them to be feminists through and through, brave & independent, outspoken, fearless in defending others, self-sufficient. But this would undermine the depth of their happiness if they lean into the feminist view without the confidence that men around are available and kind.
So jokingly, this morning I said to Conrad: “Tag! You’re it”
His intentional connection with the girls will influence the way they will believe they can and should be treated by boys. Conrad sometimes doest take an interest in the girls rambling. He struggles to slow down and delight in the way their mind work and the intricacies of their heart. Though he loves them very much. On one hand he reflects a true struggle – the other may not always be available and willing and able to meet their every need. Because I fear kids take their parents’ flexibility and sacrifice and love for granted. And my adapting to their half questions or thoughts, their whisper of ideas or aches and longings, may have soothed their heart but taught them that others can and will meet them where they are.
I keep telling Jackie that just as she is new to some experiences, and focuses on what she wants an needs, others may feel and do the same and it might clash with her. It may feel uncomfortable and selfish. And it may be so.
I also fear that I see things too clearly and let her in on it too early. She still needs to test the road to adolescence with her own two feet and reflect and draw conclusions on her own. I have laid out the map way too clearly. And she takes it. Except she also now wants answers and reaches out to AI to get information. She said she tried chatGPT just to see if it would give the same answers as I did. And it sure was comprehensive – but she didn’t even read through the well complied resource. She skimmed as she skims through this poor boy’s messages. She is annoyed by his car trivia and car stickers but she thinks this is a price she has to pay to keep the conversation going – and he doesn’t quite know how annoyed she is as she ignores the things she doesn’t like.
On the other hand she doesn’t speak up, nor does she let herself, her extraordinary, cool, funny and confident self be known. His loss. Her loss. And I only see this train slowly derail. As they quarrel every few days. I feel that the honeymoon phase has passed as the curiosity and intrigue of being liked is not burning anymore. They have comforted they like each other but are not ready to define this as a relationship – yes, it it too early given their I ability to be authentic and generous with their attention. It’s like kid’s brain self-centered and unable to forget themselves because they are not quite well defined.
The place where teenagers can find themselves, truly feel loved an accepted and corrected with kindness is within the family boundaries, not in romantic relationships. Those will stunt one’s growth if the teens try to fit the other person’s expectation (which are not clear anyway).
To go through a journey of self discovery is nearly impossible while having a romantic interest at age 12. Yo have to be very strong and confident and unafraid to be yourself while giving enough space to the other to express themselves. Be themselves.
This is on j’s search history. I hope she understands what she is reading.
When someone says they like you but doesn’t know if you should be “together,” it usually means they are experiencing internal conflict or are not ready for the responsibility of a labeled relationship.
What This Usually Means at 12
• Fear of Pressure: They might genuinely like hanging out and talking to you, but the idea of a “boyfriend/girlfriend” label feels like a big job or makes them nervous about what others will think.
• Confusion over Feelings: At this age, feelings change quickly. They might like you as a
”crush” but aren’t sure if they like you enough to commit to just one person.
• Parental or Social Rules: Sometimes 12-year-olds are told by parents they can’t “date” yet, so they use the “I don’t know” excuse to stay in the middle ground.
• The “Safety Net”: In some cases, people say this because they want the attention and fun of a relationship without having to be official or exclusive.
How to Handle It
1. Believe Them: If someone says they aren’t sure, take it at face value. Don’t try to
”convince” them to be with you; if they aren’t ready, pushing them will usually make them pull away.
2. Ask for Clarity: You can say something like, “I like you too, but I’m confused. What does
’not being together’ look like to you? Do you just want to be friends?”..
3. Set a Boundary for Yourself: You deserve someone who is excited to be with you. If they stay “unsure” for a long time, it might be better to just be friends so you don’t get your feelings hurt waiting for them to decide.
4. Focus on Fun: Since you’re 12, there’s no rush. You can keep talking and hanging out as friends without the pressure of the “together” label.
Would you feel comfortable just staying “friends who like each other,” or does the “l don’t know” part make you want to stop talking to them?
Advice for J.
Remember to have fun, don’t take yourself too seriously. Both are going through extraordinary changes, and your mind is hungry for knowledge, not just feel good hormones & infatuation. Be kind. Be honest, with yourself and each other.
Give each other space, and trust the process.
Be gracious & curious. Let yourself be known. And in this beautiful new adventure exploring romantic interest, remember that God created love and companionship, and he wants to give you good gifts in time and within certain boundaries of respect & continent. Don’t confuse self gratification with deep sustaining love.
(April 18)