To stay clear headed when the first butterflies of romantic interest show up, and when you allow them to nest, it is harder and harder to sho them away. Because though they make a mess of things and it is not the right time for them to nest in your space, you like how they feel. The chemicals in your brain start flooding every nook and cranny, and you crave that feel good sensation – on and on.
I have talked to Jackie about setting expectations. She is clear about her expectations but doesn’t want to verbalize them yet… she wants to see where things go at the other person’s initiative. That is one way of doing it. I feel like she is sabotaging her own friendship but then again this is a lesson to be learned as well. As a girl observing the boy’s ability to lead, to take initiative – this is the stage she finds herself in. And he is getting nervous and he is still a kid and he has his own lessons to learn.
I feel for Jackie. As a strong person who can take care of herself and who speaks her mind.
when I was young, almost any guy would have worked if I gave him a clear map to my heart and to my mind, but then it would have been sad and dry. I wouldn’t have felt pursued and wouldn’t have trusted that the other can hold their end of a relationship bargain.
In this stage of realizing that the other can’t meet your emotional needs and when they don’t make you feel good anymore, but they challenge you, this is when you can pull back or take a break, or you can adapt your approach. And see the other. And learn what it means to have a friend and be a friend.
Humans are inherently selfish and self-centered. It’s a survival type of situation. But the kids that have had parents who gave them full attention, who filled their cup with joy, empathy, inclusion… though it’s a rude awakening to not be on the receiving end of all the love, unconditionally, the hope is that soon enough the kids now teenagers learn the price and the reward of being generous with such kindness.
I should be weary of encouraging Jackie to be kind too soon, too indiscriminately …because as I see her prickle or push back, or challenge the other, I think it is actually healthy and wise.
she has a hard shell at first but then the center is delightful and sweet. I’m friendly first and then, if people take advantage, I get defensive.
I found myself be too ripe for picking and had to learn to hide my vulnerable self, so as to not be taken advantage of. I did have a good nose for good people or dangerous people, and I would unapologetically stay away.
Love is addictive – beautiful and fun. And it has its price tag. But we are definitely not there yet. And I’m glad we have time. Jackie as she was a bit put off by repeating misunderstanding and disagreements, she asked the boy: “don’t you think we get into arguments a bit too often?” A day later he wrote back and apologized. “Sorry, I’ve been stressed.” But then Jackie owned her end of the contribution. She knows she can be prickly but at this point she’d need to pause and observe what exactly raises in her such prickly feelings. Those are good heathy signals. She has a very healthy sense of self, with clarity and confidence, and I pray she will not make herself small to appease anyone. This is not the time to mold into another’s expectation but figure out who she is as she continues to grow and mature and develop.
I won’t be able to protect her from heartbreak, and I shouldn’t want to. It’s part of developing her emotional maturity – while she still remains whole, preserving and integrity of mind and spirit.
(April 20)