At night we look like we fought in the war. Both conrad and I. I have no energy to write, to think, not even to focus on watching a simple show. My brain is fried. I’m overstimulated. My hearing and my lap.
My main live language is acts of service. I enjoy cooking, cleaning, driving the girls around, doing the exercises, helping with homework. I hold them warmly as they both climb in my lap, or find me anywhere I’d be hiding in the house, to sit with me. Inevitably they start chatting me up within the first 10 seconds. Daddy is trying to play interference, but unless I leave the house, there is no quiet time for me.
The girls are adorable, clever, funny. Stubborn like rocks. Inventive about new ways to get in trouble. Jackie was told not to climb on the heater. Now ivy gives her away innocently. We tried to find a way to help her remember. A natural co sequence of sort. She asked us all day what shall it be. The consequence. Our coolness unnerved her. She asked me a few times what am I thinking about. Usually she doesn’t invest so much time in studying my demeanor. She asked if I’m upset. I actually find it sweet to see how much Jackie has grown, how observant she is if she wants to be.
Ivy can’t sit still to watch a cartoon. The language barrier is hard on her. She has only a handful of favorites. But she sits still to read them the full Disney stories which are loooong. I used to dread reading those. They seemed too convoluted for a bedtime story. But their bodies get the chance to settle and relax.
As I come out of their room, Conrad is working on designing dad’s book cover, and I pour myself a glass of wine. I sit here and today my thoughts about the day pour out smoothly and coherent.
In a month we’ll have a new certificate. And we’ll make them both passports. I can’t wait to travel again. Somewhere. Anywhere. The day in and day out is exhausting. But I hear self are is part of taking better care of our children. So going forward we’ll make a plan to better care for ourselves as well. Structure. Fun activities. Rest. Good food.