I let myself feel all the heavy, unpleasant feelings, and instead of confronting them and then leaving them behind, this time it felt as if I entered a labyrinth. I sunk in deeper and deeper. It didn’t help that we had two days of heavy rain and dark clouds.
Conrad gave me a nice afternoon break, taking he girls out, taking them on a car ride. I took a bath and enjoyed the silence.
I feel like taking off. Packing the car with the girls and hitting the road. But we can’t even do that. I think the pandemic is finally sinking in. Where would we even go?
So this week I realized I have to acknowledge the good in our lives. There is plenty to e grateful for. The easiest one is having Evelyn home. She is finally here! I still feel a jolt of joy when I realize she is here and she is perfect and the girls get along so well.
Jackie has been wearing her scoliosis corset and she is such a good sport about it. She gets tired easier with it on, but she wears it like a champ. With poise. With confidence. She makes uncomfortable things look cool!
We’ve had a good attitude about it, and supported her with perspective, but taking on the challenge head on… that’s all her. Her spirit of strong fighter attitude, flexible mind, and positivity… We struggle with her sassiness, her outspoken personality, stubbornness. But she is the full package deal of a wonderful daughter.
Evelyn has been fighting nap time as of this week. She shakes her head with determination and a steady pout. She is not the type to throw tantrums. She is a quiet kind of storm. She gets her way with persistence. And as I kid, I remember how important it was to feel heard and to get my way at times, when it was important for me.
The sister play together with creativity and draw. When Jackie wok up this morning, she wanted to wake her sister up to start playing together. It’s been three months of playing together.
Evelyn still choses things differently than her sister. She likes to spend time with us alone, while Jackie goes downstairs to the grandparents. We have found a rhythm and we’ll continue to do so in time. I feel how we mold together as one unit. I mourn the lack of traveling this summer. We imagine our first plane ride. We wonder if it will be France or US.
Alas. 2020 is compromised. And I just pray for survival. Emotional. Mental. Financial and spiritual. Socially we are so distant… School is uncertain. Yet the girls seem oblivious to the heaviness of life. They enjoy childhood. Wear their masks when we go on outings and joke about the virus crown. I smile to myself as I think their balance is a reflection of our equilibrium. And for that I am grateful.
My parents are nearby. And they are a connecting point for the extended family. The cousins get along well and play nicely together. This summer has been the nicest weather we’ve had. Breezy, sunny, perfect temperature. We have an orchard that has given us abundant fruit already, fruit we could share with friends.
We try to count or blessings. To change our perspective. As we get bogged down by the heaviness of life, our perspective shifts to humble perspectives.
As I’m writing this, Jackie is doing her exercises, Ivy eats from daddy’s cereal. They are both anxious to get going to there garden to have a bbq with Liviu and Camilla. There may be rain in the afternoon. I’m surprised I could type this in with half of my attention drawn by the girls. I don’t belong to myself anymore. I can’t imagine a time where my space and my thoughts will be undisturbed. We learn as we go. And we run and run along them, each other, life. And we live. I’m not waiting for a change of life to start living. I’m aware that this is it and make the best of it.