Anxiety makes poor decisions

Acting out of fear, concern, worry, it’s not my comfort zone. It dawned on me that I have experienced a slew of unflattering yet real feelings.

My emotional radar was being jammed by white noise. From outside and inside.

I finally made the last payment on the house and a fog was lifted. Or better yet, the ball and chain dragging me down was cut off. We scraped again all our accounts and were left with 400 lei in our Romanian checking. It’s a matter of faith… because all three payments were made with pocket change to spare. We have a broader cyclicality of income and expenses and I’m more comfortable letting go of exacting control.

It’s poor form to talk about money in some cultures. I also worry about causing unfounded envy. How can you express your faith in accepting God’s generous gift of taking care of our needs as we follow Him? Everything we see around us, all the wealth in the world, ALL OF IT belongs to God.

I’m happy to take good care of our own finances. And I’d rather ask God than ask man to lend a hand. But there is a balance. Making decisions based on our means, waiting humbly, taking leaps of faith with eyes wide open… there is no shame nor distrust in God’s ability to provide, when making sound extensive calculations.

God protected me from myself at times during this year.

There is this possibility to go on a bridal city break for my long time friend Coco. Barcelona exquisite girl time. The drama and the emotional rollercoaster that came with this fantastic opportunity has drained me. Going to have fun without my kids for a long weekend seemed like a betrayal. But again, anxiety spoke louder than reason. The more I need time to recharge, the more I stick around giving it all, thinking that if I give more eventually their cup will be full. But my kids’ cup can’t be continuously fulfilled by me. Life is more complex than that. Taking care of myself or remembering how to have a bit of fun is quickly becoming apparent and even imperative.

Ah, anxiety, you strange acquaintance. As a teenager I called it fear. And confronted it with the truth of the Bible. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Fear of anything else is foolish.

“No guilt in life” is the freedom we enjoy now that Christ has lifted the heavy load of condemnation (Romans 5:1). God buried the heavy burden of our sin in the deepest sea, never to surface again (Micah 7:19). He took our guilt, sorrow, and infirmity upon Himself and carried them far away as far as the east is from the west (Isaiah 53:4). Now we are free to live apart from our sinful life, living with Him instead, in the light of His grace, praising His holy name (Exodus 15:2).