Psalm 93-94

The howling anger was quieted
At the foot of the cross

The circumstances in essence unchanged
There was peace in the eye of the storm

As emotions and annoyances stir
I keep them in check
I push them down with ease
I stuff them deeper
And peace is kept.

A month, two months go by
And I feel less and less
Anger drags down joy
No intense emotions to show for
No color.
No reds
No no purple sunsets nor blue sky
No green grass in sight
No yellow sun
Just grey.
Like this endless cold winter.

I spiral down
Slowly at first
Then with dizzying speed
Tumbling
I feel no fear
No anger
Just sadness.
Then nothing.

I hope to reach rock bottom
So the spinning would stop
I grapple with my hands
With my sight for sliver of light.

I catch it with the corner of my eye
There is balance outside my spiraling world
A glance at the Truth creates a dissonance
Between what I know and how I feel.

I worry that my emotions
(Or lack there of)
Will seep onto the floor of my immediate family and get their feet sticky too
I want to protect them
But this utter protection
Is what dragged me down in the first place

A cleansing ritual commences
After the kids fall asleep
The floodgates of tears are unleashed
And I allow myself to feel
Sadness
Fear
Disappointment
Frustration
I cry out to Abba
I share my heart with my spouse
And they both listen
Every night
Like broken record
For days
My messy emotions.

Have I not cried enough?
Have I not rested enough?

Not yet.

When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

You pull me close
You draw me near
You rest Your blessing hand
On my shoulder.

How wonderful
To have stored up knowledge of You
In every fiber of my being
Your Word
Like good fat for a bear in the winter
Your Word like honey,
The Sliver of light
In my downward spiral
To remind me
Where up is.