When we experience burnout we reach a stage of numbness. Like our nerves get literally fried. There is only a smoldering amber left in our burnt offering. Someone said today on a podcast that people reach burnout when they are self-centered. When they make everything about themselves. Those who serve freely are not bound by what others might think about them, or how their service is perceived. Nor do they qualify their impact. They are preset. Not living in the past nor the future.
I think even the most selfless people reach a point of overstimulation. I think of Jesus who retreated in the wilderness. People followed him, hung on his every word, pulled him, tugged at his robe, pleaded. But without overthinking or feeling guilty, and that’s when I sense the major distinction. I overthink people’s needs, requests, demands. I allow myself to be pulled in things I don’t want to and then I resent my weakness. This imagery reminds me of the screw tape letters. A innovative way to mess with people. Make them overdo it and then grumble.
The circumstances this week pushed me over the edge. I had to say I am all done with another service project.
And this only freed 5% of my time. Although it was such intense work and with extreme attention to detail needed. Saying I am done, putting in my two weeks notice in projects I am not really hired to serve, it’s more complicated than an actual job. Often friends are involved. I have put in more time and energy than they will ever know. And I dread the words of praise they shower me with. It’s a language that makes me suspicious if it’s overdone. I do not get more motivated with a flow of gratitude. It makes me want to hide and be silent.
Once I was able to put into words the truth, and hit sent, I cried hot tears. With sobs. Conrad listened patiently to my day. I dread the thought of being talked about in a negative light. Misjudged as it were. I think gossip is my kryptonite. The truth always comes to light, and I often pull away so the dust can settle.
This has been one of the craziest weeks in a long time. I was sick. I got better fast. J got a new brace. Ivy got her teeth braces off. My books arrived. We met with the coordinating team to plan the year for momco. I said goodbye to missionary friends who are returning for another year in a very difficult place. We did zoom meetings and music school and driving and financial planning. I closed some chapters and the process is not over yet. I hope It gets easier. I accept the disconfort. I stick to my guns. I try to keep it simple and not justify my decision too much. I hope to have more patience and presence with my kids. As much as I mind gets aired out a bit. This rain Friday night feels cozy. The people who still love me, who are my friends, will continue to be my friends even if we don’t serve together on all the projects.