Why do kids push the fun into dis-regulation. We all get carried away.

The morning (evening) was going so well. We were all in a good mood, j was doing her stretches, Rufus was being goofy, Ivy was reading a dinosaur book… and we went from happy silly to intense goofing, loud and touchy. 

Every time I help J with her stretches I am walking the fine line of calm, hoping she doesn’t get too goofy letting herself go heavy on my encouragement. I’m not one to enjoy nagging. Not even one bit. I’m the “say it just once” type. Type which has been trampled big time with the age range we’ve been parenting. These days I see some things click, which is mind blowing. I nearly gave up, thinking certain reminders just don’t work so what’s the point of repeating myself. I know my husband struggles with similar hopelessness when it comes to dinner table manners. 

I heard this woman who comes across as zen, respond honestly about her parenting. She was asked if she ever gets angry or if she ever yells t her kids. She responded candidly and without a trace of shame: “Yes, of course.” I skit my yelling, I confess my telling, but I feel ashamed for losing my temper. She followed up with a few words of wisdom. The kids interfere with her course, her day, her balance. But she made one commitment: to not lie to them. She is honest about her feelings. 

The kids are not our North Star. We are centered and balanced not in relation to the kids. We are calm, and hopeful, and filled with peace, not because or for our kids. We draw our hope, our calm from something Bigger than ourselves. 

I agree with the truthfulness. Even with our temper, or repair of temporary broken  relationship and peace, we feel our kids become honestly stronger. I am left with a humble heart. Always wondering if I am good enough. Often doubting but the journey continues. 

Embracing the doubt, and embracing the truth, praying for wisdom, for healing, for kindness.  

In the midst of self doubt, I have to find that moment of acceptance, that God is in control, that I am forgiven, that I can rest in Him. I confess my limited strength, and I cling onto God with all my might. I need to also relax, and enjoy the simple joys of life. A cup of coffee, a good book, a sunset, a glass of wine, and good movie, a whiff of perfume, the snuggles of my kids, my husband, my dog. This world was cleared for so much pleasure, with a balance. If only we understood this balance and accepted it and walked it with grace. 

I embrace a challenge and pain, and as I push through it I discover even more joy and satisfaction. Like a passed exam, or the peak of a mountain or a good night rest after a day of hard work. 

My kids are still learning about this balance. They avoid pain. They avoid hard work if possible. Trial and error. Alongside us they discover the journey into deeper satisfaction, after a long trip enjoying the destination. 

We seem to reap the fruit of our labor… these few weeks have been better, smooth. The girls listened better. They embraced our home routine without much fuss …bed time, cleaning after themselves at meals, quiet times, independence outside, sharing with each other, cleaning their rooms aka sorting the toys. At times we lowered or let go of some of our expectations, because the frustration was too crushing. But as we adjusted and didn’t give up completely, we see the fruit of our commitment and not giving up. 

I hope it will be the same with Jackie’s back, or her music, or school in general. Yet curiosity, courage, kindness are my long term hopes for them. 

I pray, not consistently but I do. This summer I wish I read the Bible more. I wasted hours, hundreds of hours on social media and spent very little pondering the word of God. 

I am considering scrubbing their faces from the internet. I print pictures on cewe as needed so I don’t rely on instagram books anymore. 

Popularity is unappealing to me. I want to serve my community and I don’t have to be popular to do so. I slowly retreat in my comfortable anonymity. May God lead the way. May I always discern the truth. My I always hear His voice.