Two decades ago my brother was telling me about the quadrants of busyness, formed on the axes of important and urgent. Where do you think we spend most time in? And where should we actually focus on?
Important and not urgent. That should fill most of our time. Instead we get so wrapped up in urgent and seemingly important tasks that we start to not differentiate between not important and important tasks. We do everything that is urgent. And when we do things for others, everything is urgent …for them. Also, the smartphones we carry in our pockets ding for every text, email, grup message. Our calendars are full, our homes lives are filled with layers of tasks.
Saying no to friends is difficult. As you empathize with their needs, or put yourself in their shoes, you know you wouldn’t ask for help unless you absolutely had do (maybe that should change to).
I am most comfortable and confident setting boundaries with my family. I practice daily. Yet I can’t believe we have the same conversations sometimes. This gut reaction of wanting to pull back, to let them try, is probably deeply rooted in a healthy survival lesson. Kids need trial and error. They need to think through some processes. If we do everything for them they never get a chance to learn or even know their limits, their strengths and opportunities.
Now. Every call I get these days makes me cringe. On the other end of the line I anticipate a need or a request. It is usually the case. It was green week at school. Kids had different activities daily and, yet again, a different schedule. Jackie still managed to attend her clarinet and piano classes. Amazing.
Among the dings on my phone are the money transfers from other parents for the Jackies class. This week I received cash from most students for the green week activities. It’s just one more thing I didn’t not want to do this year. But here we are. Doing it. Till Monday morning, when I was dropping J off I kept receiving transfers. But we had to prepare cash. One kid decided to bring cash Monday morning but not tell me. And another was sick so he didn’t even show up or tell me the reason he didn’t send in the money. The lack of communication adds to the craziness.
One day I drove her 20 km out of town to visit a bio farm with her class. Another day I spent helping out Ivy’s class with the food fair. Meanwhile, we got a very late letter saying that Conrad’s permanent resident card was approved (the day I followed up with them via email, with the registration number and all). The only problem is that they typed up the letter, stamped and signed it and sent it via post. It took three weeks to get to us. In it is said we have 30 days to show up with the passport and the fee paid to receive the card. In the morning I paid the fee and in the afternoon after I left the kids home and took conrad, we drove to the immigration office and there we were told we need to make an appointment online. I tried. The next appointment available is in April next year, Six months away. And There isn’t a particular appointment listed for what we needed. As we were already approved for the card. The guy at the desk was flustered and didn’t know or didn’t understand our situation. We had words with his boss, the chief of immigration in club. I googled him after. He is very busy. In the first half of this year he issued work permit to over 3000 foreigners. I bet there aren’t many permeant resident cards being processed, hence the confusion.
Alright. So I love math. I always did. Maybe every bureaucratic tangle I perceive as a math problem and there is always a solution. And this mind set has served me well. I have navigated many bureaucratic steps in different countries, in financial institution, in immigration for me in the states becoming a citizen, with te IRS, I submit our our taxes, with ANAF and adoption and medical instigation here in Romania. Child protection services and schools and passport and birth certificates name changing, car registrations and so forth.
But, in this instance, the delay of information and lack of clarity made this math problem have incomplete premises, lacking essential information or being give wrong information. How can we wait 1.5 hours in front of an office after we already went in, to be told we need an appointment we cant’ make in time. Here is what they should have said: Tuesday and Thursday from 10 to 12 we take care of permanent resident cards. Come then. And that would have been it. But no, we had to be scolded, given wrong information, cover it up with unsavory jokes and then pretend they want to help us or do us a favor by telling us the office is open for audiences every Tuesday at 10.
It reminded me of my challenging my math teacher in 9th grade. She was wrong and never admitted it. She sent me to the principle’s office. I went. Then she persecuted me with calling me out to solve problems in front of the class for a month every day. Until she convinced herself that I am actually smart and hardworking, not just a smart ass.
Ok. So this was an urgent matter. A curveball served on sa full day already. But we somehow fit it in.
There were also the apples from the garden. Rested people bring to my attention things they see. Like my retired parents. They knew the garden is full to the brim with delicious ready to pick apples. But I didn’t have the time or bandwidth. I told them to pick them and do whatever they want with them. So they would come and bring me sacks of apples that I then have to sort through myself, I went after driving to Colina to pick one sack for eating. So I did. The girls had the energy to go sell some apples on our street. Every good did brings forth more work. I washed all the apples and selected the best ones and put them in bags and sent out a message letting my neighbors know that J and Ivy are selling apples from our garden. Everyone bought. We sold the whole sack. Coordinating the sale and preparing the apples took a few hours of my evening with wet hands and tense back.
Then there was the incident with my last zoom with the peace catalysts. During that call, the lady at the print office finally had a quote for Conrad’s books. We went back and forth 3-4 times, email and call, to agree on the number of books as the orice was higher than I anticipated. Also, she misread the title of the book and the quote for the bookmarks was 5 times higher than the bookmarks I printed for a women’s conference the week before.
We also started a class, alpha group, but that ended up being peaceful and connecting for just the two of us as a couple.
My mom shows up at the door with books or soup or a bill to pay. And my mind is overflowing. I am so thinly spread that I fear I’m going to break.
All this happened this week. But Saturday we had friends over for dinner and it felt energizing and great. Oh, the intellectual conversations, the food and wine, the company …like there old days. I was glad to be able to be present but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that school is out for a week. My schedule is lighter for that reason.
I want to be a good team player. I want to be helpful. Not for anyone’s gratitude but it’s an innate deep desire to be a certain way and act a certain way. Saying no is hard. But I must learn to say it. Even when I say no to some apparently good things.