The clicks of youth, the exclusion and the standards by which friendships are pursued, it is an age old drama and yet like nothing I’ve seen before. 

Especially when it comes to a randomized mixed group, like school or neighborhood or church, where we ought to learn to embrace those who are not like us, and this helps us grow tremendously. 

I would not pursue the company of the popular people because frankly I didn’t get all the fuss over it. And the truly interesting people are the odd ducks, the outsiders, the quiet ones. Of course there are exceptions to every rule but you can never go wrong with kindness. Be kind when you are included or invisible. Be kind even if nobody else is. 

Enough with the theory. 

Jackie is not the popular girl. Nor should she strive to be. She is outspoken but observant, drawn to sports more than fashion. She is one of the youngest in her class and she is firstly. She does want to be part of the action. 

This year She has been talking about the fashionable group of girls in her class. She rants about them hurling together to share secrets and plainly excluding others. Most got the memo and probably don’t even try to get in. But Jackie longs to be part of the group. 

A month ago she was invited to an evening of fun for the first time. And the girls were  treated royally, with three course meals and good fun. 

But Jackie even then complained about this or that game that she found boring. I have told her before that her critical attitude might come back to bite her one day. I know it exhausts me sometimes but I see all her sides and I know her heart. 

Today she was planning to go over to a friend’s house to celebrate her birthday. We’ve known each others’ families for years. We’ve vacationed together and hiked together. But life just got busy in the later years.

During a three day excursion she spent a lot of time with this old friend. They talked about her birthday and she got the impression that she was invited to attend.

This morning at school she found out she was uninvited. She was stoic. But she was hurt. So hurt. She concluded that only the fashionable girls were invited. We talked about it for an hour and I listened to her heart, I tried to help her lower her expectations. I don’t even know what would be her panacean. Mine was embracing humility and try to be the best version of myself regardless of circumstances. 

As we were talking she got a call from a colleague asking her if she’s coming. She responded that she was not invited after all. She held back tears. 

But I don’t understand her obsession with others’ people fashion choices. 

The birthday girl texted her apologizing she didn’t invite her. It was not official when they talked about it. Jackie told her straight up: you invited me, and this morning I found out that I’m not invited anymore. Let’s drop it, she said, and wished her happy birthday, releasing the birthday girl from any burden. That is something I would do but then keep all the pain to myself. 

Tomorrow she goes to face the music. 

I just read another text she got from a popular girl who was hurt by something Jackie said. 

Today keeps getting better. 

Jackie blew off steam saying that the popular girls wear the fanciest clothes to show off. 

At this age, in her view, what sets the popular girls apart is their fashion sense.
Makes sense. But that might be an outwardly appearance that draws them together. That’s all. Fashion is not a ticket to get in. 

— 

She was adamant that she didn’t say that. 

Yet every time she was excluded she pointed out that they dress fashionable to show off. 

So I called her out on it. 

We talked about being fancy or dressing humbly. And we so happen that our style is casual, we value confort over elegance.

Now that I think about it: Jesus was not striving for fashion. Jesus was approachable. He was simple. Definitely not fancy in my mind. So if I take that as my guideline, I remember to breathe and be just fine.

Jackie, after adamantly saying that is not what she said, she came clean and apologized to the girl. She may look back on this day and hopefully laugh. 

Right now I cringe though. The birthday girl hung out with Jackie during the excursion to the mountains because she didn’t have room among the cool girls. I wonder if they both said something about the fashion fancy group. Because the text Jackie got about what she said in confidence was during the party. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that she was a topic of discussion at a party she was uninvited to. 

It breaks my heart that she yarns for these friendship. That are so elusive. I pray for integrity and strong values and respect. I pray she can see people though eyes of kindness and not critical or judgmental. 

I pray for loyal friends. 

It was an intense day with my daughter. Definitely connecting, educational, strength building, humbling and reflective. May it stand as a strong foundation. May she face tomorrow with courage and grace. 

This is a very sad way (for me) to end the school year. I am friends with most of these kids’ moms. We go to the same church, or are part of the same city wide group of moms, or serve together in different capacities. I know our kids are independent beings, with preferences and personalities. I know a little too much of their journeys and tender hearts. But this exclusion business hurts me more than it ever did when I was a kid myself. Back then I could manage my own disappointment. Now I feel powerless on the sideline, praying for my daughter’s heart. For renewed resilience, maturity, acceptance, and strength to rise above.