I do not know how to mingle with every important cool person, though my social life is full. It’s too much. What happened to my incognito 🥸 structured simpler life? 

I am invited here and there and I haven’t learned to say no. For as strong and independent I like to think of myself as, my inability to say “no.” is baffling. 

I got a call about an event but even as I asked: “how can I help?” I didn’t get a straight answer. I was left with a lingering need i had to read between the lines.

for a few days I had this nagging feeling that I have to host them for the days of the event. So I thought for a few days and invited them to stay with us.

I feel so overwhelmed that I have stress dreams about roads in construction. About interconnected houses in my neighborhood and conferences. I dreamed that because of a pickled onion I took from somewhere, I was obligated to sit at a conference. Initially I felt I was arrested and my penance was to stay there. Midway as many crowds were there, I came to my senses and thought: I’m not bound to stay. I can get up and leave. That realization of freedom was brilliant even in my dream. I got up and went home. 

I have an absurd sense of duty, of responsibility and commitment to help others feel supported, seen, helped, validated. It’s an amazing motivator and quite freeing emotionally, except I can’t discern a reasonable boundary to stop giving. Since it’s not affirmed by my sense of fullness, of satisfaction, personal fulfillment, giving and giving without a selfish sense of preservation, I have lost my bearings. 

I worry that my aloofness causes others to feel slighted. Or hurt. I’m a grown woman but popularity has never served me any good. It only put pressure on me to be attentive to everyone else’s needs and desires. I feel for the truly famous people. Often their fans feel entitled to a positive reaction, response whether their paths cross. 

I am free to be. I am free to say no. I am free to chose privacy. I a free to stand up and walk away. I don’t have to attend every event, gathering, conference, party, coffee date. I need a summer off from duty. I long to regain the joy of giving just to give and not worry about it.