My eyes are burning. Conrad took Jackie for a walk to give me a few moments of peace. It’s Monday and I’m exhausted. 

I’m trying to read a good book but I can’t. 

This morning I scrubbed the bathrooms and washed the windows while Conrad took Jackie to kindergarten, along with another kindergarten friend and a neighbor to work. Soon we’ll need a larger car for carpooling. We’re looking as we speak.

Upon his return he fixed a grinder and we prepared three packages for shipping. Then I ran errands. I went to the international shipping post office and after picking up the kids and going to the park we went to PrioriPost. It’s windy and cold at the end of March. I squeezed 15 minutes of swimming in between errands. Then kids came home and played. Conrad worked. I am trying to recover. I keep postponing rest. 

I have written many drafts of thoughts. A few days ago I started having things to say, but they are raw and odd. I’m processing. 

We’ve had a few very good weeks with Jackie. Our energy is well spent. We enjoy quality time with her, and each other. We live in the present, undocumented. Bedtime is smooth, she tests boundaries and defies us just enough to keep us on our toes. Half a year ago we were still dreading going to church with her, as she was still finding her place. It was a struggle worth having. Today she loves Sunday school, she learns wonderful things and she makes good healthy friends. We get to experience God through worship without strings attached, and sometimes transcend. We get spiritually fed and encouraged and she is strengthening her wings. 

The trouble of separation anxiety, the tears, the reassurance talks, the boundaries settings … all that work is paying off. We have had peaceful evenings for a month straight. At 7:30 Jackie is in bed, sleeping soundly. God bless her active body and eager heart. God bless my wonderful husband who steps in seamlessly to take over bedtime routine when I’m fading. 

Every day we all pray for little sister. Each in our own way. Mostly discreet. When we share it’s comforting and surprising how in tune our hearts are. Jackie’s included. In the midst of eager anticipation I have sensed God’s gentle hand over my heart saying that it’s all in due time. That He is in control. How could He not be! That He is preparing her and us. So I surrender to Him. Just like Spring lets itself be longer for, so does our beloved daughter, our youngest, lets her arrival be eagerly anticipated and longed for.