Today we had three adoption meetings. We left there feeling like we’ve made progress but at the same time our hearts are heavy and our minds are set to explode.
In two weeks we will have our certification to adopt. And for the first time I see it as a roller coaster without breaks, and I only wish we could slow down time on our side.
Our younger daughter is not yet adoptable. Nothing seems to have moved on her end yet. She is stuck in limbo. And once we are certified to adopt, the program starts matching us with children. Other children. And if we are set to wait (how long?) for our little girl, we have to decline other children. We are crushed by this prospect. What is the path we ought to walk on? I wish the program wouldn’t match us until her, and that she would be a perfect match for our now larger family. We are impetuous …but we are also aware that our decisions will affect Jackie, and we need to take her well being, sense of belonging and development into consideration.
People have more kids all the time, but adoption comes as a package deal with many factors. Talking with our Psychologist today felt familiar and encouraging. I didn’t know what to expect, but we didn’t have to prove ourselves much. It was less as an evaluation and more of a support meeting. Conrad and many questions and we got many answers. The office lawyer went out of his way to do extra research on our girl’s case.
The possibility of getting certified for two kids was discussed with our social worker as well, but the implications were also highlighted. As we came home Conrad and I hyperventilated while going over the many permutations of our future.
The lawyer predicted with optimism that only in the Spring we would be able to move forward with the adoption, as in: the little girl would be declared adoptable. We then have the practical matching, the attachment period, the three months of her being entrusted to us… In this whirlpool of ideas and options, did I mention that Conrad wants three+ kids? He thinks we should adopt the first one that comes our way and then the little sister. Or whoever comes first.
I personally wish many things. I wish I didn’t have to choose and in the same breath I wish I didn’t feel so powerless. I wish I didn’t know so much in advance or that I could know everything.
Miracles. That’s what we need. That God would move mountains of paperwork. And yet, in the long process of crossing the desert, through the red sea to the promise land, I know God is working on our hearts. And He is always in control. Even when we don’t see it.
In all honesty, we allowed doubt to be placed in our heads. The psychologist said that there is a chance that the little sister is not a good fit, for J or for the nucleus of our family formed thus far. She is the advocate of pessimism, and has her role as such. So I weigh in her opinion. When her warnings concerned just us two, as adults years ago starting in the adoption journey, I didn’t think twice about it. But now I wonder if my trust just needs to be put in the fact that God can redeem any story, as long as we submit our lives to Him.
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I woke up this next morning with a sense of peace and clarity. How could I change the course of our path? No. I won’t. Let my yes be yes and my no be no. And fulfill my heart’s promise even if it appears to be in our detriment. I searched my heart and wondered if we want to keep the door open to another child, out of our impatience to get started on this, lack of trust in God, or misunderstanding of how he works.
I had this analogy in my mind that made life a little clear.
We planted a tree on a barren land that took to the soil. Its roots are stronger every day. The crown is growing lush and beautiful. We are not mother nature. We are just caregivers, the two other trees keeping shade and shield from the heavy stormy winds.
We decided in our hearts that we need more trees. Then we received a postcard from Father that he has set aside for us another perfect baby tree. It’s growing strong and he is carrying for the little Tree. But we have to wait till next Spring.
We have the option to plant in the mean time. Our planting pass is about to be issued. We might be tempted to start work on our own, and plant others in the mean time. Our eagerness to get started might be the wrong course. Waiting is hard. But waiting is good for us. I feel it in my bones.
We are limited caregivers, with limited resources and limited soil, and we pour our hearts into each other and the little tree. There is a chance that if we plant in between seasons it will stop take roots, and eventually all works out. But is it good?
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Next week we’ll get some questions answered, as we have a few more meetings. If we put so much thought into planting a tree, how much more heart and thought ought we to put into getting ourselves and our daughter ready for a new addition to our family through adoption, with its unique story, trauma, fears and cracks in dried soil to be soothed and filled with steady love.