Walk by faith

I mentioned that through prayer I let go, while putting my heart who into it. It’s a paradox, I know.

Thinking about all the possibilities of the future, I get anxious, excited, impatient. I want it all to happen. Or for me to get confirmation of how it will all unfold. But the best things that happened in my life are the ones that I let go of and didn’t wrap them tightly in the small plans of my imagination.

I have been overwhelmed with worry about adopting our first girl. Will we be good enough parents? Will we be able to truly love a child that we didn’t give birth to? Will she adapt and love us back? One could go crazy with such valid but endless questions. The answer is yes to all of them. And we did learn to just ride the wave. Go with the flow. Remain open, raw, faithful. It’s ok.

Now about prayer. Conrad has been talking about adopting another child. A boy. Conrad has been a driving force in pursuing adoption in the first place. He knew. His heart has such clarity. He has been the driving force with our move to a Cluj as well, and after the first six months of a bit of a nightmare-ish haze, life has been slowly filled with (more) comfort, joy, color and beauty. I must say that the life we built here is so much more than what had in Silicon Valley. Of course life is what you make of it, and making time for Family is a dream come true.

One would be quick to think that having such a driven husband is a gift. I am often overwhelmed. Conrad is a dreamer. He has hundreds of plans and ideas, but somehow the two of us, butting heads and wills, what is left of my many NOs and his many propositions, turns out good.

So as I start to consider what adopting again would entail, I tune out all the voices around us, which have been abundant, diverse and noisy when we decided to adopt the first time.

I heard someone who adopted say that they feel like they hit jackpot with the first child, and they are afraid that it wouldn’t happen twice. So they won’t. Silly right? Except I feel the same to a degree. But here is where God comes into the picture. Again. With clarity.

We did not adopt Jaclyn for ourselves. The desire to parent was deeply seeded, yes, but we thought about it long and hard and the final decision was to adopt no matter whom they would match us with, regardless of past trauma, issues and so forth. We would make the best of it, and I prayed that we may not waste away in the process.

Jaclyn came and she was and is perfect! Indeed like a branch grafted onto the tree of our formed family. And getting stronger. She attached. She grafted well and undeniable. She blossoms! Daily. We had her join us on our journey of life, with everything we are and do. And it’s fun. It’s light, open, real. We shout sometimes, we cry or we laugh, we get frustrated, we ask for forgiveness and we forgive. We say it like It is, and sometimes we say nothing at all to be loving.

The more I think about it, about a boy that might be out there (now or later), waiting for us, I pray that God would lead the way. To our son. May we listen well, and follow His call.