Over the course of a lifetime we are fortunate enough to meet amazing people, fascinating and beautiful, smart, and engaging, in one word: attractive. But even this word has been altered, tainted I feel. Magnetism in Romanian is not similarly loaded.
In our teenage years we ought to learn to discern between a wide range of emotions. Sadly not all of us learn to do so.
I remember as a late teen, finding random boys attractive. Conrad kindly says it was hormones. But I was actually concerned. I remember stopping in introspection to understand what was “wrong” with me. I would not flirt. I didn’t know how. Furtive looks. Saying nothing. Staying away. That was it. But I spent time focusing on my own experiences, discovering what I like, traveling, reading, and I forgot about boys. I forgot all too well.
In consequence I was not too experienced with dating, but as soon as I met Conrad, I realized I didn’t have to be. One learns to communicate, to set and share boundaries, to be honest, and humbly get to know the other. Getting to know yourself is a longer yet necessary and more enjoyable journey.
As Conrad and I grew together in freedom, blossoming, feeling deep love and acceptance, comfortable in our own skin and lives, it is possible that what we have seemed amazing. And some people as I understand it, wanted some of that as well. Except… they thought the secret ingredient was one of us. Or something. While boundaries of common sense weren’t crossed, we’ve both taken it as compliment, but didn’t encourage it, nor lingered.
I don’t look too kindly on others’ flirtations, especially when lines are crossed and cues are not taken. And I don’t welcome flirtatious advances towards me. The distinction is so clear between: “I admire and like you asa person” and “I want to mess with your head a bit”. I think many men and women relentlessly look for approval, a validation of sorts, sometimes in the wrong places. But what they get is the opposite with us. More often than not, up-and-leaving (distancing ourselves) is the solution, despite the perceived loss of “friendship”. If I have ever said this behavior is inappropriate I got back defensive responses. Maybe I was naive to expect maturity given the circumstances.
We laugh at the song lyrics give this topic:
“if you want to be happy in life,
never make a pretty girl your wife…”
It used to happen to me at work, because I was exotic, different, but people were a lot more honestly forward and thus open to respectful retreat. What irks me is when young women see and know me and they still act flirtatious towards my husband, inviting him for coffee, stealing pictures of him, finding a seat next to him more often than not, inviting him to go on walks, touching his arm, shoulder, leaning, and getting surprised guilty looks when they don’t expect me to be right there… the list goes on.
Conrad and I are learning to listen to each others’ perspective and advice, reassuring each other of trust and acting accordingly, avoiding suspicions or the misinterpretation of appearances.
As adults we get to know, admire and love others. But love, while so diverse, is an equally confusing feeling for many who can’t distinguish the nuances. I seek to surround myself with wonderful people who inspire and challenge me.
Becoming hermits is not an option, but watching our manners is, being respectful, taking a step back when we get too close for comfort.
It is uncomfortable to expose this topic. Yet I must. Naiveté never did anyone any favor.
“Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.” [SoS 2:15]
Among others we got this sound advice on the matter from a trusted wise friend:
“It’s better to have impenetrable boundaries and to be misunderstood,
than to compromise your boundaries in order to be understood.”