Having a 3 year old around is energizing.

I can see the irony in the above statement.
We’ve welcomed the respite of peace and silence when jackie spends the day with the grandparents. But right now we long to have our kids with us. To drink up from the closeness, the snuggles, the music, the drawing and playing, the exploration of nature.

We are not crazy. Nor are we any better equipped than other parents. We just have a clearly defined hole in our lives, while that can be filled with the challenges and successes of seeing our kids blossom. Together.

We’ve been apart for too long. We’ve built up a lot of longing, and our stamina is focused and rationalized.

It occurred to me yesterday, as I woke up unafraid of the impending mourning season, that our ability to rationalize, to brace ourselves with realism, did its part, and now we commence again with renewed hope and joy. Joy is such a matter of will. Willing ourselves to rejoice in God’s timing and providence and gifts.

Trying to figure out why or what I’m supposed to be doing, has been exhausting. Especially with the apparent delays. It’s the natural -albeit broken- course. We embrace the humility of this delay. Having to respond the same embarrassing response of “not-yet”. No news, no decision, no clarity. But God levels mountains, and breaks open the locked iron gates. In his timing.