Feeling overwhelmed is the most common plague of my generation. A flexible schedule actually accentuates this. As the fall starts again with its busy schedule, I let go of trying to do everything. Not everything is a priority.
In the order of the events, last night we started the couples fellowship with setting expectation, listening to expectations, and the light part one of “Laugh your way to better marriage”.
This morning we met with the small group of women. The last two-three weeks was basically impossible to meet: weddings to cater, kids starting kindergarten, and other job transitions, therapist sessions, and a wedding in London. Job trainings across Romania, and websites to launch, relationships and decisions regarding the adoption paperwork. Between the five of us (six if and we do count livia:) live has been a rollercoaster.
The weather is amazing. Yellow light, warm wind, beautiful fall smells. I learned that my bank statement is acceptable as a proof of income, and today I went to the state health insurance office to figure out how to get registered to get my medical papers for the adoption file.
I arrived 2 hours before the office closed, but they were not accepting people in line. And the offices close at 2 on some days and 3:30 on other days. So I went and got a chocolate filled pretzels and then I got thread and zippers for my new sewing projects. As I got out of the store, I run into Oana, or better said she sees me and exclaims “Nu pot sa cred!” I started walking back in the opposite direction than where my car was parked. Today we had or better said made time for a little detour, a treat of catching up. We walked into a classic, as in old style cafe, and she treated me to an orange juice. And we talked spirituality and philosophy, sociology or psychology and joked around and it was delightful. Walking back I saw someone familiar am my face lit up, but she was talking on the phone and I remember she just deleted me from her friends list. This near meeting made me sad. I am sad to have lost a friend, a friend I may have lost a longer time ago.
I am reading “What did you expect?” and it talks there about how we are all sinners, married to sinner, selfish, and we ought to weed our garden daily and purposefully plant flowers and vegetables … and this is a lifelong process. Somehow the two things that stuck with me are the matter of trust and the matter of manipulation, manipulation we are all guilty of even when we are not aware we are doing it. We all want to get our way, and our persuasion techniques are questionable.
I felt convicted by this myself. Funny enough, reading a book about marriage, the relationship that comes to mind is not the one with my husband. We’ve worked a long time to build and sustain our trust, and we find it easy to come clean, and apologize for when we are stubborn, insensitive or we fight because we want to be right. Conrad has come into our marriage with a humble heart and and a wonderful capacity to communicate and to listen. He is the best man I know. And I know him so well.
The reason I felt convicted though. I spoke up, or better said I called out an injustice as I saw it, but I didn’t do it verbally. I did it in writing. Short, kind and to the point I thought. But I struck a nerve. Big time. And older things surfaced. And our small disagreements over time have never truly been solved I believe, thought I realize tried to manipulate the solving of tension admitting my shortcomings and more, and apologizing for it. My mom does that, thinking that she will lead by example, but with some people we just make things worse. This is a sore topic for me, and when I get here, I remember many of the injustices. And it’s a downward spiral. But I remembered a thing I heard in London at a wedding. When we are called to love our enemies, the bible doesn’t talk just about the people who physically harm us. We build enemies I our mind, feeding them with our memories and justifications. I myself am in need of healing and grace. And though my intentions were seemingly just, and some people got justice though my speaking up, instead of me helping them to communicate better or standup for themselves, I jumped the gun. I had made up my mind about this a few years ago, but now I had the context to solve, bring to light, win the disagreement. At the time I fas just furious deep down, though I thought I kept my cool quite well. That was not the point. And I have no excuses to offer for it.
We live in a dysfunctional world. And many people who warned me Romania will be hard, it’s almost like they don’t want to be proven wrong and they make it hard for us. And I am not talking about business, bureaucracy or the limited finances. I am talking about a relational Romania. It is not about a place. It’s about its people.
This pain I carry with me, wraps me with humility and brings my feet on the ground. Life is not perfect, no matter how it looks from the outside, it is actually just the ratio between pooh and positive stuff. If you watch “Laugh your way to better marriage” you will get this analogy.