I woke up in pain during the weekend. My ear hurt when I was swallowing. “Mommies don’t get sick” said ivy quoting a book we have. Pain incapacitated me. I knew I had to slow down, to stop and rest. This whole month I drove the kids to their appointments and made time to swim, and thus do something for myself if one of us had to drive to them anyway. Except swimming is draining. It energizes me and exhausts me with the same measuring cup. 

I do things, like most moms, because I see the need and I don’t wait around to play games of responsibility. Taking a step back requires restraint. Letting others step up needs to be thought through, purposeful. And it is good for those around to step up, to step in. 

I purposefully let go of the night routine. I resent it. I am so tired of it I don’t do it with joy. But the kids are old enough to survive my absence. Even if I’m just downstairs reading or cleaning the kitchen. I told them I love them but I’m not coming up to double over the hugs and kisses and drag out the q&a or story time. Jackie started reading whole books to ivy. Daddy brushes their teeth occasionally. Otherwise the girls can brush their own teeth most often. Daddy prays seldomly with them but I told them god hears them even if I’m not there to pray every night. It took two weeks for me to not feel guilty and the girls to not complain or try to convince me to return to the old routine. I’m not saying I won’t do it again in the future. If need be. But I am so tired of it all I still need time to recover. Evenings are hard when their squeeze every last ounce of my patience while they process their own emotions. It turns out I’m not perfect and I don’t need to be. The jury is out. I don’t have to hold every hand old the time. I am rediscovering the joy of silent praying in my own heart. Everyone is adapting and actually growing from the discomfort or inconvenience. We are so tempted to do it all even when we are completely spent. But kids and slides are resilient. Let’s have a little faith. And an ounce of humility. We are not perfect and we don’t have to be. We sacrifice out of love. And it’s in our nature. But there is a fine line of self sacrifice and proud martyrdom. Let’s embrace humility and rest. And maybe we’ll lead the way to rest and self care for our own kids.