Loss

Could I quiet my mind enough in order to write about this accurately?

Loss. I, who is rarely clumsy and I don’t remember ever loosing something, I lost the ring conrad bought for me in Israel two years ago. A rose gold ring adorned with red garnets. (we liked to imagine they were rubies).

My left ring finger is thiner than the right ring finger. I was playing with it on that hand bringing it close to my knuckle. At the same time I was handling some leaves on some willow branches, hanging low past my face. There was a man made pond, a meter away. I threw the leaves and off my ring went too. I threw it. For a second I was in disbelief. Then I realized it was true. I felt surprisingly calm. Retracing the last steps I couldn’t believe the silly mistake. Then a feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. I didn’t want that ring in the first place. But it was a special trip we were on. And the ring was handmade, a little rough looking. And it was Conrad’s gift to me. I was sad thinking of his disappointment. How could I throw (albeit by mistake) his gift!

I cried in his arms. And I kept thinking if there is a way to dive in after it. The water was mucky and smelly as i put a stick in it to check its depth. Conrad borrowed a pair of fisherman’s boots and a bucket and went to see if he could bring it to light again. The mud was deep and like quicksand. And hot and fermenting and he even saw a leech. I can’t believe I imagined myself trying to blindly sift through it. Bubbles of air would surface in the disturbed mud. He gave it an honest try. But the ring is lost. I must remember that it was not my wedding band. It was just a ring. The second morning I woke up less sad about it than I anticipated. J. tried to cheer me up promising to buy me a ring when she grows up. Any kind I want. With kittens, with hearts or stars. I settled on a ring with starts. She comforted me with incessant talking but then she said something she must have heard us say before, but which felt completely not helpful. “next time be more careful”. My parents never said that to me. Why would I say that to her, except to make myself feel better for giving good advice. It’s crappy advice. “next time be more careful”. Can you hear it? It’s condescending. And it already hurts bad enough.

Conrad was great though. In every way. Now both him and our daughter are on a hunt for another ring. I have so much jewelry. I don’t need another ring. Really. I don’t. I pulled another ring from the ring crystal bowl, a vintage looking one with a large aquamarine stone.

I keep thinking what is my lesson from this. What price did I just pay by giving it up just now? How can it be redeemed, except maybe through a good reminder of empathy when it comes to loss, to silly mistakes, to showing my daughter how we overcome loss or sadness, embracing it and then transcending it…