We’ve played outside in the cold. We played inside to warm up. Both girls need a nap. I decide to stay in the room, in an armchair between their beds. They do anything else but sleep even when they are too tired, if they are left to their own devices.
Jackie has been particularly defiant today. She challenges answers, standards, ideas. It’s in her nature. Most often we appreciate it. On occasions it drives me up the walls.
They are both covered. But they still toss and turn. Jackie is whispering to her dolls. Ivy sighs. I remind them a handful of times to settle down. Both ask me to caress their hand or their foot. Jackie falls asleep instantly as she feels my hand on her foot. She switches her foot to make it even. Then she pulls her feet away. Ivy likes her elbow caressed. She points. The they both go into a deep sleep. The room is peaceful. I hear them breathing gently. And my heart turns to prayer. Hot tears burst out of my eyes. After a season of anger, came a season of depression, followed by a tearful season. Ah, the cleansing tears. After we pass through tears we feel lighter than any of the other emotions. Because for me tears invite prayer.
I release my daughters in God’s care. Wholeheartedly. And it is so freeing. I do the best I can today, this season. But God is in control and they both belong to God and together we are all in His care.
I know there will be heartache. Parenting is beautiful and complex. I pray for wisdom in guiding them, in setting healthy standards, helping them refine their moral compass.
I know they will need to confront their own pain, with will be a catalyst for turning to God. I want them to know God personally. It is our saving grace.
Jackie turn the other side and sees me with my eyes close, tears streaming down my face. “What’s wrong?” She asks. “I’m praying” I respond. “Ah!” She says and turns the other side falling into restful deep sleep. Parenting become real and honestly more challenging when we became parents to two kids. Two parents to one kid is a breeze. Two kids demanding our attention, completing for our attention, comparing each other, increasing needs, first year attachment after adoption, and put on top of that a pandemic… We turn to God. And He is faithful. We hope for lighter days, of breezy hikes, and careless play outside. We long to travel and show our youngest the world. Meanwhile we set the bar low with minimalism and doing more with less, right where are.