In the darkest hour of your night

I may start a collection of conversations before bedtime with my daughters. Yesterday morning j was frustrated that she needs to do her back stretches while ivy was doing a puzzle. She feels that being younger is easier. I agree. What she forgets is that and she is younger than me. 

She asked in her frustration “why am I alive for” and that is a sad reflection. Unless she says it to get a reaction. 

I talked with them at night about life, about loneliness, sadness, hardship, fear, disappointment, rejection… all the feelings that every human feels at some point. If we wallow in them, we may get stuck like in a swamp. 

My girls have every opportunity to lean into the direction of gratitude or despair. The choice is strangely in their hands. Much like it’s in our hands too, for our selves. 

Nobody else is responsible for how we feel. We make the best of what we have. It is futile to constantly try to convince my kids of the goodness in their lives. If they choose to focus on all the bad, blaming others for it. 

Not saying that this is what they do, but the danger is real. For all if us. When god says that if we give our lives to Him we will have life, it means to let go of out preconceived notions of entitlement and expectations, due to self, serve others, and pure joy and gratitude and freedom will be bestowed upon us. Not saying it’s easy. I do feel my life does not belong to me anymore. And I begrudge it sometimes. When I brush three sets of tests, two sets that don’t belong to me, and wipe the sink, and go through the motions… I don’t feel see, I only feel used, and emotions are raw at night and demands keep pouring in … all I want it to curl in a ball and cry. Instead I pray, I read a story it two I answer silly or deep questions, I reassure, I tuck in, I turn off the light and I can only hope I won’t be summend in again in a few minutes. This too shall pass. And other harder things will come out way. I will long for predictability and simplicity. Probably. Maybe I will love the space, the silence and the challenging conversations. 

One thing is certain, I get ahead of myself with deep talks, sometimes they stick, most often they go over their heads. I’m doing my best, that is all I can do, in earnest. And I let go. And there is freedom in that. I’m responsible for my soul, and meanwhile I empower them to learn to care for theirs.