We’re flying to Austin tomorrow. The other day was mom’s 60th birthday and we go to celebrate together. There comes a season when spending time with family becomes a priority above all else. It’s been two years since we crossed over the Atlantic.
There’s a time to wait, a time to mourn, a time to rejoice, a time to be together…
Yesterday afternoon I got the first official news about little sister. In writing. And I had to confirm our availability and desire to adopt her. I also read the first specific details about her: Name and birth date. It’s surreal… after such a long wait.
Doubt. I started to doubt myself, the system, the fruition of things. I started to doubt God’s will.
A way to prepare myself for huge changes has been picturing how it would be. And for a while we did well. We stayed grounded in reality and kept busy. I think the intertwine of reality, of forcing myself to keep things lightly, combined with preparing ourselves physically, buying an extra bed, setting up the room, setting aside Jackie’s small clothes.
As many seasons started to go by, without any updates, I was faced with the fear of it never happening. How can you live in the *here and the *not-yet? Hoping and letting go. Hoping and letting go.
I have unsolved issues with the system. I admit. With the lack of support or acknowledgement I received from the people in charge, during this year and a half of suspended animation.
My heart’s desire was clarity. Some transparency. “Clear is kind.”
I did not expect practical forgiveness to have anything to do in this part of the process. But I believe in the journey of adoption, we will have to forgive a lot. And let go. The first step though for myself is acknowledging honestly my feelings and only then I can make peace with them.
What was this price of turmoil for? Did it have to be paid? The whole ordeal made me realize how fragile my faith is. What do I believe? What is my promise?
The only thing God says loud and clear is that God will not leave me, He will not forsake me. Can I stand tall on this promise alone?
Today I started to pray for the people who I feel they wronged me. Even unintentionally. And you know what? A sense of lightness, of peace, came over me.
Praying for friends and foes is a gift to ourselves. Of freedom. Of goodness in the world. Of peace. Peace of mind.
And one more note:
“Wisdom makes a man patient, and it’s an honor for him to forget mistakes”. (Prov19)