Doubt. It has been nagging at my conscience for some time. Grappling the courage to look at the facts objectively. Doubt is an asset [when you have faith]. And doubt is humbling.
Adoption is complex. It stems from a broken reality. Sitting with the tension can be tiresome. But the tension of this brokenness never goes away.
Who am I to say that adoption is the best thing for this child? In the dawn of strong opinions and lack of empathy, we advocate for our own perspective with viciousness.
People who serve the extremely poor communities are strongly against separating children from their parents, and I commend them for it. (While each circumstance has its facets) It takes a lot of resources, energy and time to shift the direction of these little ones’ lives in the current context of their lives.
Mothers who see a child being removed from a foster family, they put themselves in the foster family’s shoes, of being separated from a child they’ve come to love and get attached to, and imagine the pain. But it’s not the same as taking a child from his healthy home for imaginary reasons. It’s what foster families signed up for: To be a temporary haven till the child can be adopted. In Romania, after 6 months of fostering a child, the foster family has priority in adoption.
The people who have had a first hand experience with the foster care system, or adoption, be that a good experience or a bad one, their perspective would be hardened into one direction. And we can advocate till the cows come home, if we don’t have the desire to hear another side, if we don’t have an open mind, better known as curiosity. Be curious of the other person’s perspective. And listen.
I know my determination to adopt could easily be misconstrued. I started to doubts my motives as well. Because I don’t fully know the present situation of the biological mom. Can I give her the benefit of the doubt? I sure can try. Reading the perspective of many wonderful Adoptive moms around the world, I force myself to soften my take on things, to give credit, to allow for grace.
My desire to adopt the biological sister is partly selfish. I want to give jackie the gift if sisterhood. And to make it easier for ourselves as they reach adulthood. [In a number of years she will meet some of her siblings for sure, most likely the biological mom as well, if she wants to be found.]
And they will struggle with identity and loneliness. They will go on a quest to find their roots, and to understand where they come from.
Deep down I believe it will be good for them to grow together. Though I value individuality, my intuition about sisterhood makes it clear of what I want to pursue for them.
I also know the details of my first daughter’s rescue. And I have a hard time believing that much has changed. It breaks my heart, but intervening in helping in any way (from where I stand) the biological mom, it’s prohibited by law, for my safety as well as my daughters’ safety and emotional health. And while I wish I could see biological families restored and healthy, and a safe environment to raise children, there is a time to be wise and keep away.
Somewhere in the world, I know there are families, and moms, adoptive moms, who fret over these thoughts. And I’m encouraged to know they exist. I follow them on Instagram. Ironically many are from Texas or California, and I write from Austin today. I don’t mind the loneliness on this journey but I mind being a burden. If you’ve even uttered a prayer for us as you read my thoughts, I’m grateful. I’m encouraged. My heart needs to express itself to breath easy, to be heard, to be seen, and thus is the purpose of this blog.