You rarely if ever hear anybody call out fantasy as sin. But when it blinds you to reality, or it stops you from living life to the fullest, according to God’s plan and gifts… then it’s a sin.

I was reading an article in a magazine about a young woman, very godly otherwise, who kept herself in a tower of holiness and illusion, and thus missed out on real life. It can happen to anyone idealizing married life and any romanic relationship, parenting (but from that one awakens abruptly and hopefully they course correct). Some keep themselves too safe, and others regret reality once it occurs.

I’ve been meditating on the pain of waiting for a child to become adoptable. Without any legal rights, but a privilege to even know of her and ready ourselves to possibly meet her. This readying ourselves is the tricky part. We don’t idealize parenting. We understand and accept it will be harder to parent two kids, instead of one, we humble our hearts in front of the unknown and yet we step ahead in faith. After many months of anticipation, and heartache for the delay, I caught myself unfoundedly daydreaming about the two sister meeting and sharing life together. We prepared the room, built bunkbeds for the girls, and the low bunkbed became a toys area, a playground and a nap place for me or conrad. We refer to it as the little sister’s bed. We’ve been praying loosely for her wellbeing, safety and joining us soon. Having this last prayer not be answered in over a year has trickled doubt in my faith. What am I supposed to do? Does God listen? Does He care? When it was a matter of health and pain and immediate relief or visible change, it was bearable…. But much like the unemployment season that lasted a few excruciating months a decade ago, this waiting in limbo is a social kind of pain. Suffocating. Hopeless.

As I caught myself imagining how it would be to have her here, it was harder and harder to let go of the dream, and the possibility of it not coming to fruition was devastating. But even that, once I faced that fear, I named it, I could let it go. God is in control even when I can’t see, or understand.

What a tricky situation. We are preparing our minds to adopt, but we can’t grip the dream so hard as to incapacitate us to function.