Deep silence

For months I felt like I can’t focus, my mind being called in too many directions. It is my first day alone in this house. And I love it. The dryer hums in the background like with a soothing productivity sound.

We left the house before sunrise. We first dropped Conrad off at the hospital to be tested and triaged before surgery. And then I drove the girls to school and kindergarten. They seem oblivious to what is going on. We didn’t act all hushed about it. But we didn’t go into details either. Our activities these days seem very normal, matter of fact.

Traffic was insane. Standstill at all intersections that normally are busy but they move. I ended up parking on one side of a metered bridge and walked across to visit conrad. He still needs one paper and was left waiting in front of the hospital for one hour. Will be going a third time there after I pick up the girls and the said paper, so he can be properly processed.

Right after we go to music school, with both girls. Jackie will do her prep work for the music exam. I feel that this is a bit too much on my plate. But I feel fine. Better than fine. I feel focused. Driven. Energized. Life is too precious to dilly dally. There is work to be done, mountains to move, conferences to host, music to play, laundry to fold, kids to raise.

Because of the climate change fatigue, political turmoil fatigue and pandemic fatigue, one gets easily depressed, discouraged, hopeless. Everything is important and urgent, and yet nothing grabs our attention or heart. I have asked myself yesterday: “what am I doing with my life?” I have gifts and drive and talents to put to good use. Why do I feel so spent and distracted? – Well, kids at home all the time, for one. But it is in my power to set mental boundaries and not juggle everything. Especially now that school has started.

What am I excited to do? Talk while I have something to say. Words are a gift I hold lightly. Because in bouts of discouragement I have nothing to say though God hears me and my heart clearest then.

Training with Polylogos the first group of aspiring leaders through the REAL program. Hosting a podcast with Camilla. Hosting a conference in two weeks, and coordinating the event with a group of amazing women. And writing my second book.

I need to shift my focus, my intent gaze into parenting, in order to dance the steps more elegantly, more at ease. It finally feels possible with school starting. And as someone said: the most important job of a mom is to train her kids to not need her. And the hardest part is accepting success when that happens.

Conrad and I are surrounded by an army of prayers. And I feel it in the serenity we have. God is in control. So we do our part.