I always believed that my self-sufficiency was rooted in my introversion. I didn’t need others to feel at ease, whole, happy. It may have had something to do with my dedication to God, no matter what, when I was 12. I had become aware of my complete and utter need for Him, based on everything I had learned up to that point, in my going to church, singing songs written by Traian Dorz, and letting the word permeate me.
I had such a clarity of what I was and what I needed, what the people around me could provide, what I was and was not entirely to. Nobody owed me anything. I had my basic needs met and I felt connected to my parents in a flexible adaptive way. They weren’t theoretically trained as parents, but in their intuition, there was room for their mistakes and mine. Honest mistakes if any. I loved that their imperfection and honesty made room for me to discover who I was. They provided guidance but they also left a lot of space unfilled and I forged my own path. The home life I had I filled in the gaps from my experience outside my childhood home. There was room for imperfection as well as exquisite life. I learned from Carmen, from Mama Gloria, from Liz, my mother in law. But all these were founded on my observations on the life of my mom and her mom Margareta.
I take comfort in the fact that kids will not remeber just what you say but they will internalize the way you live, your values. I am at that stage. I am starting to use less words and let the way I live speak volumes.
Yesterday I told Jackie I never worried about junior high or high school drama. I rose above it not because I was better but I was true to myself. Honesty keeps you insulated from any squabbles among peers or even adults. If you never gossip, you tell the truth, you mind your school work, nothing anybody says can touch you. No gossip can affect you, not lies, no allegiances. When you become a target for a mean girl, sure, you learn to dodge bullets and you hide, like it says in the probes: “the wise man sees the evil and hides”. Goodness does not mean naive. I have met my fair share of mean and crazy people even hidden in plain sight in christian circles. But as you come home to people who know you, who love you, and you lay the burden of life at the cross and give it all to God, ask him to cover you with His grace and protection, the next day you start again with courage and hope.
I write this and I realize that if someone targets you and singles you out and tantalizes you for a few days, your walls of protection seem fragile and the war is heavy burden to carry days on end. But I can’t accept the state of a victim and take hits without moving, making a change in the circumstances.
I shall view my experience of detachment as a gift and I shall not apologize for it. I was not admirable in the eyes of others but I was confident in my heart, and self aware. I saw danger with clarity. Desiring other’s approval would have been danger in itself.
And I pray. I pray for my children – for their safety ,for their thirst for God, may it be quenched with the Truth, may they know that no human power can compensate for the confidence of God in our lives. Even if you are harassed, if it’s for the name of Jesus, you can carry the burden with ease. If you are harassed because you didn’t act in an honorable way, stooped to gossip and mean attitude and lazy behavior, well… that can be course-corrected.
It’s a smooth season. It has been rough as well. 5th grade is wild. The earlier it starts the faster we learn the tricks of social engagement.