There is something wildly different this trip. And it’s not the verbose 4 year old kid. It’s us. It’s me.
I remember two years ago, flying into San Francisco felt like swimming up for air, from the depths of a year long re-immersion into my old world. I was emotionally exhausted.
As I had turned thirty just before we made the big Transatlantic move, I felt happiest and relaxed in my own skin; Following our heart it felt powerful. And as it turns out, the older I get, the more comfortable and carefree I feel in relation to those around me.
On the other hand, some current circumstances out of our hands made me question my self worth. One may laugh at the coincidence of the same issue happening in all our work relationships. First: a check we’ve been waiting for has gotten lost (for two months!) And two other checks have been delayed for no particular reason. Other clients just have the policy of cutting checks only 30 days after they receive the invoice. And then, my personal favorite, a really unusual situation, my employer has some system issues and my first paychecks didn’t process at all. So in the eve of Christmas we feel like the “Checks Fairy” has deserted us. Did we upset her? Luckily we wisely use our credit card and we budget well… while we know its nothing personal, the question lingers. Where do we draw our value from? What are boss says? What our parents do? What we own? Where we live?
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For a while in Romania I felt very vulnerable. Sensitive to people’s random expressed opinions and thoughts about us. I laugh looking back. It seems silly now, but then it even made me cry at times. But as we started the adoption process in earnest, the voices around me quieted down. Or at least I didn’t hear them anymore. We made choices for our lives and we were happy. Over time though I think I got quite desensitized. At least that’s how I feel coming back to California. Not much moves me. I am mostly “Meh!” …except for a handful of friends. And the joy I feel unexpectedly around them takes me by surprise and moves me. It’s delightfully genuine.
Today’s long hike and brunch with old girlfriends has filled me with more joy and energy than I had hoped.
Often I don’t have energy to go out of my way to be personable. But I wish I did. I wish I was rested and my bucket was full in order to be the one to start a “pay it forward” trend. Because it has to start somewhere.
For example I think in traffic in Romania people act “every man (car) for himself” because nobody is courteous. It’s a vicious cycle. Doing good despite the responses you get, or how others treat you, yet stubbornly keeping at it with faithfulness, we get satisfaction from the goodness we share not waiting for anything in return.
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As I did some mandatory new hire training I remembered why my employer is so successful and sets such a high standard in the world. Integrity is promoted, exemplified, talked about intentionally. From day one. And then revisited. Boundaries are set. And then everyone keeps everyone accountable. It gives me an inkling of what is needed at different levels of leadership in Romania… and I realize that there is a long road ahead.
In the mean time, I need to go and spend some time in the Word to remember Who reigns over all, and rest in His love.