We don’t lay such a heavy burden on our youngest daughter. Like a summer cool breeze, she rustles among us, with grace, love, kindness. Where does it all come from? How can she bless us more that we bless her?
She’s been home full time for three weeks now. She verbalizes her adoption. Talks about her foster family. And she encourages us with her presence, more than I could have ever imagined.
These months have been hard with Jackie. She is stubborn and hardened. She fights all rules. The struggle within her is real and she carries it outside.
We’ve looked at her company, the influences in her life, her daily cup, what she fills her heart and her mind with. She is daring girl, and we’ve corrected or set boundaries which she pushed and pushes back daily.
Our voice became stern and sterner, and her voice became loud and disrespectful.
We’ve joked that she acts like a teenager but it’s not funny anymore.
In relation to her sister, she loves and longs for her company. But she is also testing her boundaries in that relationship which we oversee as it’s fragile and just sprouting. We want to nourish kindness and selflessness. Instead we manage two Headstrong girls. Survivors. Beautiful souls with deeply buried wounds.
I reap what I sow. After scolding for what seems a long time, my eldest, everything I do seems to be wrong in her eyes. “Why did I put ivy books on her bed. Why do I have a light cover and she has a fluffy cover. Why is the food too hot, too cold.” Her tone is whiny or scolding. Every single day. Especially at bed time. “Why do I read the book her sister chose. Why are we going hiking. Why are we going for a walk. Why is her ice-cream not the right kind of ice-cream.”
I’m exhausted. Yesterday i burst into tears after finally finishing reading both bed time stories each of them chose.. With interruptions and complaining.
Conrad worries I’m not decisive in buying a house. As he feels We need a house with a home office and rooms for us and each girl. But I’m relied upon to do the calling. I’ve been doing all the bureaucratic paperwork in every aspect of our life in Romania. Businesses registration and taxes, adoption, land purchases. Car purchase and registration. Insurances and so on.
…Building or upgrading a house is an endeavor I’m not willing to take on.
Last night as I let go of my intense emotions I turned them into prayer. And then they flowed …smooth and silent, hot yet cooling off the heart.
Jackie asked me why am I lying on the floor as they were nearly asleep. I told her I’m praying. She asked if I was crying. And why. I told her I am deeply sad she is unkind to me. And then there was silence. For a long time.
I’ve tried to explain to her, but using too many words only shut her in, made her freeze and just stare at me.
No force, just vulnerability seems to be working slowly but effectively. Or maybe my expectations are freed. And that makes all the difference.
As I was getting so sad within my heart due to Jackie’s attitude, but kept a gentle voice reading the stories, ivy would stroke my head, and kiss my check. She is a balm to my heart. Especially these days.