I posted a story on instagram, after weeks of radio silence, a picture of the traffic I was stuck in on my way home, stating that I feel life is unbearable with the absurd chase of appointments, and circumstances of life in this season. The road in constriction, music school as an extracurricular activity and the girls having staggered schedule. I received so much empathy and encouragent. The lid was off and I felt I can breathe again. But prior to this I wrote a piece about self pity.

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In a moment of contemplation I thought of some of hardest days in the last two years. I sat quietly and looked intently and acknowledged my life as it is. After a brief moment of self pity I heard my mom saying in my head “stop feeling sorry for yourself”. (What would a pity party accomplish beyond a momentary sense of relief?)
And I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel rushed. I felt the wisdom in those words she may have said a long time ago. My mom has the ability to see me. And empathize and listen and then offer input. But she can be brutally honest as well and won’t let herself or those she love to wallow in self pity, to sink deep in the shifty sands of defeat.

I’m action-oriented by nature or by training and that shakes off the murky crap. The only time I get into trouble is when doing too much, being overly active got me to that terrible point of exhaustion to begin with.

Two weeks since the school started, was the low point of trying different combinations of service, of driving, of cooking and food shopping, appointments, events, house cleaning, garden building, family meeting, music school attending.

Even with Conrad stepping in more, I still feel like I can’t catch up. I am not made for suburbia driving kids to and from school every day. I breathe independence. I long for them to be self-sufficient but this life context isn’t helping.

I can’t start and finish anything between their appointments.

I am utterly exhausted, more mentally than physically. I hate feeling weak. It is not in my nature to need help or to feel like I can’t cope with one more week of such a schedule. Every time I try to enlist help or mix and match the pick-up / drop-off, things come up and the amount of back and forth discussions is terribly draining.

The system is broken. The school system and the staggered schedule is breaking us. I believe my biggest anticipatory fear is that our afternoon kids will push themselves too, and break. It is exhausting and challenging to be on the road in traffic till past 5 pm most days. Eat, rest, do homework. And because of clarinet Jackie starts two days early as well.

How can a full time driver be a also an inspired chef, a tutor, a wife, cleaning lady, laundry lady, adoption group organizer, finance manager, and be a serene person as well. Only by God’s grace.

Three months of torturous schedule feels daunting, like climbing up a mountain in the snow without warm clothes. You can’t turn back. You can only go forward.

My strive to find the best schedule, drive less, fit more, I just realize it is not possible. I have to deal with the fact that I live outside the city and 3 roundtrips a day are necessary.

I am willing to give my life, to lay my life down, selflessly. I sense that my body is just drained of energy. Laying down your life is such a funny saying, because it sounds like a vacation to picking up you life to push through traffic and timely school schedule and warm meals and music.

I had been nervous about school starting, but I kept stuffing down that worry. Now it turns out it’s worse than I thought.

Alas, I may just be human, and the veil is off my eyes. My strength is limited. And I need help. And I need to let go of some more things.